


You Are Certainly My Poison of Choice

by iktwabrokenbone (apiculteur)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Coming Out, F/M, Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, One Night Stands, Praise Kink, Unrequited Love, grey-aroace!jace, kinda but alec doesnt kno when 2 stop, which is canon as far as i am concerned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-27 18:34:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8412097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/iktwabrokenbone
Summary: So there he was. Midnight, at a party. Preparing himself to do something with a guy. To spend one night getting all of this- this unspeakable desire out of his system. He needed to forget it before he made a mistake and ruined his career, his chances of becoming Head of the New York Institute. (Alec's panic attacks were getting worse and worse and maybe if he spent one night with a guy he could get it out of his system, and he could forget being gay and loving Jace. But nothing went that smoothly, so of course Alec's one night stand had to be Magnus Bane, and they had to keep bumping into each other. It wasn't like Alec wanted to understand his emotions, anyway.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello!! i have been writing this for 6 months n i am finally finished!!! its only ~30k lmao. i need to finish editing the other part but its all written. honestly the hardest fuckin part of writing this was when i formatted it on ao3 n spent 15 mins tryna stop it from adding huge ass spaces between paragraphs.
> 
> apologies for all the got dam sex tbh its not necessary n i didnt rly wanna write it but it happened??? also theres a cute lil [playlist](https://8tracks.com/iktwabrokenbone/you-are-certainly-my-poison-of-choice) which i made myself bc i love makin playlists!!! anyway heres 30k of mild angst n cliches mixed w sex n fluff.

It came as a surprise to very few people that parties weren’t really Alec’s scene. In fact, Alec could count on one hand how many he had been to, and all of them were for either for family or missions.

It made little sense, then, that Alec was surrounded by music he had never heard before, some wordless electronic thumping, as he stood close to the bar to avoid being pulled into the crowd of dancers. Alec wasn’t good at shouting over music or dancing or holding his alcohol. In the moment, he didn’t care about any of those things- this was his turn to do what he wanted to, whether or not it was stupid.

He had been having panic attacks for the past few weeks. More accurately, he had been having panic attacks since he was ten years old, and they had been getting worse and more frequent in the past few weeks. As if he wasn’t enough of a tragedy by himself, his parents were hinting at marriage (to a respectable woman, of course) and it was becoming more and more difficult for him to pretend to be the perfect child they wanted him to be.

Alec was gay. Alec was gay, and probably in love with his parabatai, and by the Angel, he must be cursed to manage to be both of the worst things a Shadowhunter could be. It was choking him; he was losing sleep, and telling people about it wasn’t an option. Telling people meant being kicked out, probably.

And so there he was. Midnight, at a party. Preparing himself to do something with a guy. To spend one night getting all of this- this unspeakable _desire_  out of his system. He needed to forget it before he made a mistake and ruined his career, his chances of becoming Head of the New York Institute.

The place was full of Downworlders, vampires and werewolves and who-knows-what else. It was somewhere he had heard Izzy talking about, so it didn’t come as a shock to him. He downed a beer too quickly and didn’t give a shit. He was used to a glass of wine at fancy meals, but he rarely had any other type of alcohol. He didn’t have time for a life on top of being a Shadowhunter.

It didn’t take him long before he was tipsy, and he found his eyes scanning the place for someone. He was nearing the bottom of his beer when his gaze caught on a guy.

The guy was staring right at him, and Alec didn’t know how to break the eye contact. There was a sense of purpose in the guy’s step as he sauntered towards Alec, a smirk on his face. The guy’s shirt was unbuttoned way too far, exposing all of his chest and the necklaces that hung there, but somehow he managed to avoid looking like a creep. If anything, it made him look like a model. An incredibly attractive model.

As he came closer, Alec noticed the makeup. Never before had Alec seen a guy wearing makeup, but seeing this man made him wish he had. The glitter and the gold and the confidence all made him look like some ancient god, but the coy smile was all human.

Alec was attracted to him, and he was going to talk to him. He was going to do it.

A sudden fear hit him, the worry that someone he knew would be here, but he refused to listen to that; he had scanned the place five times already and seen no Shadowhunters. This night was his. The man with makeup on was beautiful, and he was right in front of Alec, looking like he was about to say something. Alec would not deny either of them this conversation, or what may come afterwards.

“Oh my, a Shadowhunter at one of my parties? That’s rare. Can’t say I’m complaining, though,” the man said, dragging his eyes up and down Alec’s body in a self-indulgent way, pausing on the runes but stopping on his face. “What’s your name, darling?”

Alec had came here to get drunk and maybe even talk to cute boys. When he had been planning this, he had not taken into account the fact that he _could not_ talk to cute boys. “H-hey. My name’s Alec,” he said, having to put in a huge amount of effort not to stutter too much. This was flirting, then. Alec was a natural.

“Magnus. Lovely to meet you,” Magnus said, glancing at Alec’s empty glass. “May I get you another drink?”

Too nervous to speak, Alec nodded, and tried not to jump when the glass disappeared to be replaced by a cocktail. Magnus stared at Alec with unabashed enjoyment, flirted with him openly, and it was somehow both pleasant and overwhelming. They began to stand even closer, and Alec let Magnus hook a thumb through one of his belt loops. God, he was so pleased no one he knew could see him now, see the blushing, grinning mess that he was acting like.

Alec was in limbo between tipsy and drunk at this point, just enough to excuse his actions without making him lose control. With Magnus so close, it was easy for Alec to lean in and kiss him, to test out how it felt to have lips against his. It hadn’t occurred to him until he was kissing Magnus that his inexperience might be painfully obvious. If he was lucky, the alcohol would be able to explain it away.

Magnus took the glass from Alec’s hand and put it on the bar beside them, leading the kiss. Even knowing nothing at all about kissing, Alec could tell that Magnus was experienced. Of course. He was older and more attractive than Alec, and didn’t seem to spare a thought for anyone’s opinion on him. It made sense he would be used to kissing people, regardless of whether they were boys or not.

It was with reluctance that Alec let Magnus pull back from their kiss, and now that they had stopped he was back to worrying- about if Magnus could tell that was his first kiss, and if Magnus regretted it, and if Alec would regret it. He doubted the last of those thoughts. This was a one-time thing, he would never do it again.

After observing Alec for a moment, Magnus gave him another kiss.

He would never do it again _after tonight_ , Alec amended.

This time, he was savouring everything that happened. During the last kiss, he had been focussed on worrying, on the thought that he was kissing a boy, and that this might be his only chance to do any of this. Now, he indulged.

Alec couldn’t distinguish between the taste of Magnus and the taste of the drinks, didn’t know him well enough to be able to tell if there was a difference. Maybe he always tasted of fresh sweat on skin and sweet fruit, with some sharp alcohol that Alec couldn’t name cutting through to balance it out. Magnus smelt similar to how he tasted, though Alec wasn’t sure if that was just his breath. There was a heavy cologne just past that, though, something rich and deep. He was warm, too, which should perhaps be a granted. Alec hadn’t expected quite so much warmth, had never thought about the heat of the hands that would pull at his shirt to get him closer and rest on his back, or the huffs of breath through Magnus’ nose which would make his skin tingle.

He had thought about this a lot, and none of his thoughts had ever done it justice. There was a bitter feeling that he should be doing this with someone he knew (Jace, Jace, he should be kissing Jace) but even that couldn’t quell his enjoyment.

The contact against his lips stopped once again, and Magnus leaned close to his ear. “How do you feel about going to my place?” he asked, his intentions clear.

Alec may be inexperienced at this, but he knew that didn’t mean, _‘It’s loud and we should go some place quiet to have a lovely chat about ourselves.’_ It was with full knowledge that they would have sex if they left that he nodded, breathless. Magnus lead the way to a door at the back of the room, holding Alec’s hand to keep him close by, and Alec stumbled after him, lost in the surrealness of this all.

Nerves were beginning to build up as Alec wondered if this was a mistake. Not that this was a boy, but that he might do something wrong. But this is what he had planned. To kiss a boy. To hopefully have sex with said boy. Magnus didn’t know him any better than his name and what he looked like, wouldn’t ever see him again. Mistakes didn’t matter when the one person who might remember them would never see you again.

They made their way up a set of stairs into Magnus’ apartment, and Alec couldn’t help but think that Magnus must be excessively rich. They had stepped through the doors into an orchestra of different time periods, all managing to create something well composed. It was largely open plan, furnished with more antiques and priceless items than the Insitute. One of the walls was all floor-to-ceiling windows, in front of which there was a bar.

Magnus motioned to it, asking, “Another drink?”

Alec said nothing, but shook his head. Too often, his tongue betrayed him by stuttering, and he didn’t want to be full-on _drunk_ when he did this. If this would be his only chance to have sex with a man, he wanted to remember it.

Magnus laughed at Alec’s response, not mocking, but something verging on affectionate. Amused, maybe. “Straight down to business, hm? Not that I blame you. I am, after all, very beautiful.”

Once again, Alec didn’t know what to say to the warlock, so no words left his mouth. A theme was emerging.

With a smile, Magnus walked up to him and gave him another kiss. “My bedroom is through here,” he said, and took Alec’s hand in a strangely gentle way. When Alec had imagined having a one-night stand, or seen movies with them in, it had always been fast and desperate, lust and nothing else. Magnus wasn’t treating him like they were dating, of course, but he was controlled, calm, caring in an underhanded way. There was none of the hard shoving against walls or ripping off clothes that Alec had expected. It was a relief, really.

When they were in Magnus’ bedroom, the warlock pushed Alec onto the bed, silk sheets slipping softly against Alec’s skin. If possible, Magnus was more attractive when he was smirking down at Alec, sitting on Alec’s lap and changing between long, passionate kisses, or shorter kisses that he would pull away from too soon. Alec was pretty sure he was only bothering with the shorter kisses because he liked watching Alec try to chase his mouth, breathless, eyes still half-shut.

Alec tried to hide his gasp when Magnus began to rub his ass into his lap, making Alec all too aware of how hard he was right now. If the way Magnus smirked against Alec’s neck was anything to go by, he hadn’t hidden his surprise very well. He dragged in a long breath to cover up a moan when Magnus began to bite and suck at Alec’s neck, right on top of his pulse point.

It made Alec whine when Magnus sat up, an absence of heat above his body and on his neck. “No need to worry, darling, I’m not going far,” he teased, pulling Alec up so they were once again pressed chest-to-chest.

Now that they were sat up, Magnus resumed his work on Alec’s neck, then swapped to placing close-mouthed kisses along his jaw as he slid Alec’s jacket off his shoulders. It was dropped onto the floor with a dull thud, the phone and stele weighing it down. Alec didn’t spare it a glance, just leant back to be able to take off his t-shirt and throw that in the direction of his jacket.

Magnus took his time to take in this new view of Alec: the freshly exposed runes, the impression of a six pack, the downy hair across his chest and leading down past his waistband. He raised an eyebrow, one finger tracing down the middle of his chest and further down, until it rested on the button of his jeans. “Don’t you just look stunning?”

Alec blushed, swallowing. “Can I take off your shirt?”

Magnus nodded, and Alec prayed that he wouldn’t find the tremble in Alec’s hands weird. Could he pass that off as being because he was turned on? Whatever, Magnus hadn’t pointed out any of the other weird things Alec had done, not yet.

The buttons looked easy to pull off, delicate and expensive and the exact sort of thing Alec would never dare wear, and anyone with sense wouldn’t allow him to even touch. He made an effort to balance out his speed and coordination, managing to get the shirt onto the floor without any casualties. His relief at avoiding the awkward situation of ruining the shirt was soon forgotten when Alec let himself observe Magnus.

So far, he hadn’t let himself stare too much, always distracted by kissing or trying to act like this wasn’t new to him. He didn’t expect him to look like this- all hairless skin and defined muscles. For some reason, he had expected a flat stomach, but no six pack. Looking at his arms now, it was clear that he must work out a lot. He wasn’t exactly ripped, but it was something more than toned.

Magnus took off his collection of necklaces, placing them on his bedside table. His muscles stretched, subtle but enticing, and Alec let his hands float to Magnus’ hips without thinking about it. If he was bolder, he would have touched Magnus’ abs, or brushed a hand over one of his nipples. He wanted to, but as much as Magnus didn’t know him, he didn’t know Magnus, either. He didn’t know what overstepped boundaries.

“Like what you see, Alexander?” Magnus asked, and Alec tore his gaze away from Magnus’ pecs to make eye contact. No one called him Alexander, and he wasn’t completely sure if Magnus had heard his name wrong or if he had just decided he liked Alec’s full name better. To be honest, he didn’t care either way. He enjoyed how it sounded with Magnus’ accent, how he didn’t rush over it. Slow and purposeful.

“Y-yeah,” Alec said, licking his lips subconsciously. “You look so fucking good.”

Magnus hummed, a hand making its way into Alec’s hair. “Good, because I must say, I like you even better with your shirt off.”

Alec could say he felt the same about Magnus. He mustered up the courage to pull in Magnus for a kiss, which he seemed to like if the soft moan was anything to go by. Fingers carded through Alec’s hair, tugging, and Alec sighed to show his appreciation. They were soon back to grinding, Alec trying his best not to rut too desperately against Magnus. He let his hands drift across Magnus’ bare skin, soaking up the warmth and how it made the tips of his fingers tingle if he was light enough in his touches.

It was clear Magnus was enjoying this, and Alec couldn’t stop himself pushing his hips up against Magnus’. Magnus was making lovely sounds, clenching and unclenching his hands in Alec’s hair, all whilst grinding down against Alec. The contact from the grinding wasn’t constant, not as good as a hand or a mouth would be, but it was occasional bursts of friction and pleasure.

There were fingers at his waistband once again, and Alec’s hands turned to fists, resting against the warlock’s chest instead of mapping his skin. “Do you want me to stop, Alexander?” he asked. The tone he used made Alec feel like if he said, _‘Yes, please stop,’_ there would be no attempts to get him to carry on, no bitterness over his sudden change in plan. It was enough of a comfort for Alec, so he shook his head.

“No, keep going, please,” he said, almost begging. He hadn’t intended it to come out like that, but Magnus looked reassured either way, finally popping open the button and unzipping them.

“Do you mind me magicking them off you? It’s so much easier than standing up,” Magnus said, to be met by an enthusiastic nod. Alec just wanted them both to be out of their clothes.

It only took a snap of Magnus’ fingers to rid them both of everything but their underwear, and by now Alec was getting used to intense eyes studying his body. There were fingers circling around the outline of Alec’s bulge, and now _that_  he wasn’t quite so used to, but he was no less welcoming to it. There was a look on Magnus’ face like he was musing over something devious, making him smirk when he leant back in close to Alec.

“I’m just thinking, Alexander, about all the things I would like to do with you,” Magnus told him, seeing the question on Alec’s face.

It made the breath Alec was taking stutter, transform into a moan half way through the sound. It was weird, to go from never having kissed anyone to suddenly having a man who was obviously some kind of sex god just sitting in his lap, looking as if he wanted to eat Alec whole. Or perhaps more accurately, to eat Alec out. If it wasn’t someone as gentle and as slow as Magnus, Alec was sure he would be a stiff, panicking disaster right now. Somehow, he was managing to follow Magnus’ lead, and it didn’t seem like the man knew Alec had never done any of this before.

“Y-yeah? What. What sorts of things?” he asked. It was reassuring to see that this whole experience hadn’t changed Alec. Still stuttering at the worst times. There wasn’t a hint of mocking in Magnus’ face, though, no sign of him wanting to laugh at Alec.

“God Alexander, I want to ride you. Can I do that?” Magnus asked, so near to him that the words hummed against Alec’s lips.

“Fuck, Magnus, yeah,” he said, his eyes slipping closed as a tremor passed down his whole body. Magnus addressing those words to Alec was the single hottest thing he had ever heard.

Once again, Magnus clicked his fingers, and this time it left Magnus naked with a condom and what Alec assumed to be a bottle of lube in his hands. This was the first time Alec had seen another man naked in real life, and Magnus was breathtaking. For a second, Alec thought it was unfair on the other men Alec would have sex with, because after Magnus no man would seem as beautiful. That thought quickly dissipated as he reminded himself, no, Magnus was the first and the last.

“Do you want to do it or do you prefer to watch?” Magnus asked him, derailing his self-pitying thoughts.

Alec couldn’t claim to have ever fingered someone, himself included. In theory, he knew what to do, but the risk of doing the wrong thing was too large. “I’ll watch?” he said, eyes trailing down to Magnus’ hard dick. If he knew what he was doing, he would have liked to suck Magnus off.

Putting down the condom and lube, Magnus shifted them around so Alec’s back was resting against the headboard, with pillows to stop the wood digging in, and Magnus had a knee on either side of Alec’s legs. Magnus coated three of his fingers in lube before throwing away the bottle, and used a hand on Alec’s shoulder to steady himself as he leant forwards to finger himself. It was automatic for Alec to support him by putting his hands on Magnus’ hips, so close to both his ass and his dick.

Magnus’ eyes slipped half-closed, and he buried his head in Alec’s neck, adding to the collection of hickeys Alec was sure could be found there. He would have to slather his entire neck in makeup, if Magnus kept this up (which seemed to be his intention). Not that he minded, really- Alec had never thought being bitten and marked up would make him hard, but Alec had to hold back a moan. It only made him enjoy it more when he remembered Magnus was stretching himself, getting himself ready for Alec to be inside of him. _Fuck_.

Magnus’ dick brushed against Alec’s stomach, and it was instinctual enough to reach and touch it, wrap a cautious hand around it. With a soft sigh, Magnus moved his hips towards Alec. This was the most sexual thing Alec had done with Magnus so far, and yet the easiest. Alec wasn’t ashamed to admit (to himself, at least) that he had jacked off before, and the angle was weird, the dick unfamiliar, but this was easy enough.

He knew Magnus must have had better sex than this, but it felt good to be pleasuring him, to have the quiet sounds of enjoyment directly attributed to him. He found a rhythm to fit with Magnus fingering himself, could feel it as Magnus sped up.

“Fuck, Alexander, I think I’m ready, I don’t care,” he said. “I want you inside me.” He pulled at Alec’s underwear, but didn’t try to take them off. Once again, he was waiting for Alec to confirm this was okay, that he wanted this, too.

“Just- anything. Do anything,” he said, giving more than just the simple ‘yes’ that Magnus had wanted. He couldn’t help it- he was new to this, had never felt anything as good as the way Magnus touched and kissed him. For what it was worth, it only seemed to make Magnus more eager.

There was something almost reverent about how Magnus took off the last of Alec’s clothes, leaving him just as exposed as Magnus. It was a vulnerable feeling, because no matter how fit he knew he was, he couldn’t help but feel so plain in comparison to the people around him. Magnus was glittery makeup and perfect hair and strong arms, his lips and his eyes and his body all speaking of elegance and charm. He was beautiful unlike anyone else Alec had ever met, and yet here he was. He had chosen Alec, brown hair and brown eyes, black jacket and black jeans. The picture of normal, mediocre.

From the look on Magnus’ face, Alec could have been some fancy model, and it made him want to cringe away and hide his body. “You’re beautiful, Alec,” Magnus told him, and Alec didn’t doubt that he meant it. There was something very genuine about Magnus, beneath the makeup and the smirks and the flirting.

“You are, too,” Alec said, because it felt wrong to thank him, and it was true, anyway.

“Oh, you don’t need to tell me, I know,” he said, playful. “But I do appreciate being reminded.”

With that, Magnus picked up the condom and ripped the packet open, rolling it onto Alec’s dick before guiding it to his ass. Alec had to concentrate on not bucking his hips; it was the first bit of attention his cock had been given since Magnus had started getting ready to ride Alec, and it was for the best. Already, Alec wasn’t sure how long he would last. He had needed that break to collect himself for this.

He could feel it as he entered Magnus. Obviously. He had his dick in Magnus’ ass, it would be worrying if he couldn’t feel it. Alec hadn’t known what to expect, though, and by the Angel, it felt fucking good. He didn’t know how else to say it- he was a mess, because he was actually having real, actual sex with a man. Not just a man, a warlock. There was no limit to the amount of taboo things Alec could do. The Clave would never approve of this.

It was times like this that Alec felt grateful that people couldn’t hear what he was thinking. He was having sex with someone he had met hours ago and his thoughts were on the Clave; typical.

As if he had noticed Alec’s distraction and decided to give Alec something to focus on, Magnus rose on his knees so barely any of Alec was inside of him, and then sunk down fast. Alec moaned too loud, threw an arm to cover up his mouth. It made Magnus laugh, and breathe out, “I don’t mind you being loud,” as he began to move up and down steadily.

Alec was still unwilling to test the limits too much, but with his other hand, he placed it on Magnus’ back, feeling the thin layer of fresh sweat. His chest had developed a slick shine, and his movements were only getting faster. Their mouths met once again, Magnus pressing his fingers into Alec’s shoulders as leverage and a lifeline. Alec was getting used to kissing, finding it natural to return Magnus’ actions, to open his mouth or suck on Magnus’ lower lip.

The friction on Alec’s dick was becoming too much, the pleasure making him have to tilt back his head and cry out, panting. If he could do it without Magnus noticing, he would be tempted to use his stele to activate his stamina rune. Instead, he was stuck trying to force his hips still, wrapping his fist loosely around Magnus’ cock in the hopes of making Magnus catch up to where Alec was, on the verge of orgasm.

There was appreciation from Magnus, the warlock beginning to push up into Alec’s hand, his clumsy attempts to jack him off. Alec hadn’t thought moans would turn him on, but Magnus was starting to sound pretty wrecked, broken off words, groans of, _‘God, fuck yes,’_ or a breathy, _'Alexander’_.

It reached a point where Alec couldn’t restrain himself anymore, thrusting up hard, which Magnus seemed to like. Magnus was pressing his face into the deflect rune on Alec’s neck, and he bit down harder than he had before, not cutting into the skin but giving a smarting pain that Alec found himself turned on by. It was enough to leave him gasping, eyes falling shut as he wordlessly came inside of Magnus.

He was exhausted, but just composed enough to keep his hand moving on Magnus’ cock, fast and firm. Now, he was finally able to focus only on Magnus, the gap between his lips as his mouth slipped open around cries, his naked face now that the makeup had rubbed away, still just as pretty as before. There wasn’t much more of a delay before Magnus came, covering Alec’s chest in come as he tried not to grind into Alec.

A few seconds were spent with Magnus panting before he moved off Alec’s lap to sit beside him, letting Alec take off and tie up the used condom.

This was another thing Alec had never thought about. What happened after they had finished, whether Alec left straight away, or if they slept in the same bed, or if he was supposed to stay for breakfast, or if he was supposed to sneak away before Magnus woke up.

“Well, wasn't that something?” Magnus asked, looking sleepy.

Alec blushed, far too out of his depth to consider what he should be saying. Magnus stood, walking to collect his underwear and putting them back on.

“The bathroom is the second door on the left, you can get cleaned up. I’m going to sleep after all that _hard work_ , feel free to stay if you want,” Magnus told him, climbing back into his bed and pulling the covers over him.

With a hasty nod, Alec got out, grabbing his underwear and making his way to the door. “I’ll. I’ll get rid of all this then,” he said, waving towards his chest.

He got a lazy smile from Magnus before he left the room, leaving the door open behind him.

He found the bathroom easily, and the mirror showed him how much of a mess Magnus had left him. If he wasn’t so concerned about boundaries, he would have a shower, but the sound of the water might keep Magnus awake, and he might get pissed of that Alec was using his shower in the first place.

He washed himself up as best as he could, getting his underwear back on before he was ready. He had never been good at dealing with his feelings. He was always running, and now was no different. It was early morning when he got back to the Institute, and he had needed to hire a taxi to find his way back.

There were hardly any people awake, and no one knew him well enough to question why he was awake. He didn’t dare think what would have happened if his parents had seen him, covered in fresh hickeys, hair sweaty and tousled, clothes rumpled and sticking to him. Nothing good, he knew that much. He tried to get as much sleep as he could. There was alcohol in his system, he was physically worn out, and he was unlucky enough that it wouldn’t surprise him if he had an early mission the next morning.

  


* * *

  


His alarm brought him to unwelcome consciousness at eight in the morning, which was about four hours earlier than Alec wanted it to be. He hadn’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep, and he could only hope that he wouldn’t have to be out in the field. Not only was he tired, but he would have to wear high collars or makeup to cover the bruises on his neck. He smiled to look at it- Magnus sure had a fixation with that.

His jacket proved ineffective at hiding the evidence of last night’s exploits, and he sighed. Goddamn. Izzy’s room was right beside his, so he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone else seeing it, but _she_  would have to see.

She teased him as she covered his neck in concealer and foundation, comments about, “Did you fall onto a vacuum cleaner?” It made him huff in annoyance, but he couldn’t help but feel grateful for her. When she first saw them, she had raised an eyebrow and asked him, "What’s his name?"

What’s his name. His name. _His_. Izzy knew, and she didn’t give a single shit. He was grateful in a way and with a depth that he couldn’t put in words, so he acted grumpy and hid his smile as she teased him.

By the time she was done, the bruises were invisible. If he looked too close at his neck, he could tell there was makeup there, but he doubted anyone would pay enough attention to notice, not when he had a jacket on too. No one but Izzy would know.

“You won’t- you won’t tell anyone, will you?” he asked, resenting the ruddy tint he was sure his cheeks had taken on.

Izzy frowned. “Alec, it’s not mine to tell.” There was more she wanted to say, most likely some spiel about how his friends wouldn’t care, they would love him anyway, he was being dumb, but she didn’t say any of that. It wouldn’t have changed his mind about hiding it, anyway.

It was never as simple as his loved ones being homophobic, which most of them weren’t, it was about hurting them. His parents wanted the bloodline carried on, their reputation intact, and Jace wouldn’t want to face the realisation that Alec felt something for him.

It was hard to tell if Alec was in love with Jace, because there was more to it than that. They were parabatai, and brothers, and best friends. He didn’t know how to separate those things, but knew he was wrong to want to kiss his brother, even if they weren’t related by blood.

There was more to all of this than Alec just being gay, and that was why he couldn’t tell them, why Magnus had to be his first and last everything.

  


* * *

  


Alec had been blessed with no missions that day, perhaps because of how worn out he looked, but he would need more than just a lack of sleep to get out of training. Today, he was sparring with Jace. Naturally. It was silly to think he would be lucky enough to have no missions _and_  avoid the awkward tension there would be between him and Jace, no doubt. There wouldn’t be an awkwardness from Jace, of course, but Alec would be uncomfortable enough for the two of them.

What he needed after banging some stranger was to be getting sweaty with the guy he had feelings for, pressing close and pinning each other down in ways that would be all too reminiscent of last night. The difference lay in the amount of clothes, and the knowledge that if he kissed Jace, he might just get punched. Not because Jace would hate him, but because it would be a shock and that was the first response of a Shadowhunter. That, and because even if he didn’t say it, he would disgust Jace. Maybe Jace wasn’t homophobic (he was too nice to hate someone based on something so irrelevant) but Alec knew Jace had never thought of him as anything but a brother. He couldn’t blame him.

He was always different when he was sparring Jace compared to when he was sparring anyone else, but now more than ever. He was slipping up, ignoring openings left by Jace so that they wouldn’t end up on top of each other. The question was in Jace’s eyes the whole time, but it wasn’t until they took a break to get some water that he brought it up.

“Didn’t see you much yesterday. Doesn’t look like you slept much,” he said, quirking an eyebrow. He didn’t look jealous like Alec wished he would, but there was a hint of worry.

Alec shrugged away his interest. “I wasn’t doing much. I was researching.” It wasn’t a huge lie, but Jace would see through it right away.

“Yeah? Must’ve had a wild time. Did Maryse make you do all the paperwork again or something?” Giving him an out. Typical of Jace, too kind to Alec.

“Something like that,” he mumbled.

“You okay, Alec?” he asked, and Alec nodded quickly. This wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

Jace recognised this as the end of the conversation, and picked up his staff. “Ready to go again?”

Alec swallowed a mouthful of water and joined him in the middle of the room. No, he didn’t want to do any more training, but it wasn’t like he had a choice.

“Let’s go.”

  


* * *

  


Izzy continued to cover up his bruises for the next four days as they faded, muttering about how, “He really wanted to leave a mark, huh?” She tried to use it as a reason to do some eyeshadow as well, but he didn’t play along. Maryse would seethe. It wasn’t like he would look as good as Magnus did, anyway.

Even days after he had been with Magnus, he was thinking about him, how attractive and kind he had been.

But, well, it made sense. It would be weirder if he _wasn’t_ thinking about Magnus, right? Because even if they didn’t know each other, Magnus was his first kiss and the first person he’d had sex with. If Alec went on without thinking about any of that, it would be stranger than remembering him every now and then. It wasn’t obsessive at all, anyway. It just crossed his mind sometimes, and perhaps fuelled some of his fantasies.

By the time two weeks had passed, he was thinking about Magnus less. He wouldn’t forget him, but there was no point in dwelling on him. There were bigger problems, like the mission that was bringing them back to the club Alec met Magnus in, or the two mundanes who ended up latching onto them.

Jace claimed that the redhead was a Shadowhunter, but Shadowhunters didn’t just appear out of nowhere. There was something shifty about her, and Alec was keeping a close eye on everything she did. Not, as Izzy suggested, because Jace wouldn’t stop acting like she had hung the damn moon, but because she got in the way and was upset by everything.

He wasn’t so cold that he didn’t feel bad for her when he learnt that she was searching for her mother (Jace hissed this at him only after he had bitched at her) but that didn’t make him trust her.

  


* * *

  


He couldn’t blame everything on the redhead, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try.

For instance, most people would say that it wasn’t her fault that Jace had protected her instead of Alec when they were surrounded by a group of demons, but Alec wasn’t so convinced. If she hadn’t been there, Jace would have protected Alec instead (and they would be more outnumbered, and might have gotten more than just a bite as consequence).

The bite hurt like hell, but he had bigger worries than the pain.

As soon as he woke up, Jace was rushing over to hug him, knocking his undamaged shoulder with a fist. “Damn, Alec, you were out for hours. Izzy hasn’t stopped worrying about you, we weren’t sure you’d be okay,” he said, a joking tone to his voice even as Alec saw the relief in his face. He was disorientated, not somewhere he recognised, but familiarity itched at the back of his mind.

“How did we get out of there? Where are we?” he asked. Demon poison and waking up seconds ago both had a side effect of making it difficult to remember what had happened.

From behind Jace, a man stepped into view. Or, no, not a man, but Magnus, the guy Alec had slept with. This was where Alec and Magnus had fucked, and now the two of them were here again, with the addition of Jace. Somehow, Alec doubted this would turn out the same as last time.

“You’re in my bedroom, darling, and you got here because of me,” Magnus said, then tilted his head. “Well, I suppose James over there helped carry you as I dealt with the demons, but I healed you up. More than just a pretty face, you know.”

Jace frowned. “My name is Jace,” he corrected, only to be waved off as Magnus continued.

“Of course, I don’t give my services for free. Perhaps we could discuss a price?” he said.

Alec could see that Jace wanted to step in, to be the one to negotiate payment, but everything about Magnus’ body language and tone cut Jace out of this conversation, making it all about Alec and Magnus. With a sigh, Jace spoke up. “I guess I’ll leave?”

“Yes, that would be best,” Magnus agreed, watching Jace leave the room before turning back to Alec. “Well, fancy seeing you again. I saw you with Clary Fairchild a few days ago, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to talk to you. I had hoped to get your number before you left.”

Alec blushed, reverting back to his non-verbal self.

“How does you giving me your number sound like as payment? Fair?” Magnus asked.

No, Alec didn’t think it was fair to give him something so small in return for saving Alec’s life, but he nodded anyway. “Y-yeah, that sounds. I mean, yeah, I’ll- my number,” he said. “I can write it down for you. If you have paper.”

Magnus clicked his fingers like he had done to undress them, and he had a post-it note and pen, with which Alec wrote his number. Once again, Alec was struck by how _wrong_  it was to do this. Not only because the Clave would kill him if they found out he was letting a Downworlder flirt with him, but because Jace had left the room moments ago. His feelings for Jace, whatever they may be, had not stopped. But Magnus seemed nice, and he was hot, and Alec wouldn’t mind kissing him again when nobody else was around.

One-night had been the deal. This wasn’t allowed to go further, but it wasn’t like he could turn down the deal Magnus had made him. That was his excuse. That was what he would say if anyone asked.

“Now, I’m sure your sister will want to see you. She hasn’t left since you got here,” he said, but with a somewhat fond note to his voice. He seemed to like her more than Jace, at any rate. Alec stumbled out of the bed, blood rushing to his head too fast, and Magnus steadied him by the shoulders, grip firm and warm.

God. If he wasn’t recovering from an injury, a repeat of last time would not go amiss, even now he was nowhere near drunk enough to justify it.

  


* * *

  


Being in a room with Izzy, Magnus, and Jace all at the same time had been not been ideal, to say the least. Magnus was playful and flirty with him, though more restrained than Alec imagined he would have been if they were alone, and Izzy kept giving him knowing looks whilst Jace glared at the warlock.

Before they had left, Magnus had told Alec, “If you need any help healing up, I’m still here.” There seemed to be some innuendo hidden within that which Alec didn’t understand. He thanked him regardless, and jogged to catch up with Izzy and Jace.

“He knows my name. I know he does,” Jace muttered as they left, lips formed into a pout. It made them look even more plush, if possible. “He’s trying to piss me off.”

“Someone’s gotta take down your ego,” Alec told him. Jace looked hurt, but Izzy laughed.

Jace continued to huff about his unfair treatment until he perked up, nudging Alec. “Hey, what did he want as payment? Nothing too bad, right?”

At this, Alec blushed. “What? No, I mean. Nah, he didn’t want much, just... the usual. I’ve already paid him.” _The usual._  There was something very wrong with Alec and his ability, or lack thereof, to lie when put on the spot.

Jace gave him a look, which Alec was sure he was about to follow up on, but Jace’s phone rang. It was the redhead, and Alec wished he didn’t know just from the way Jace smiled. They spoke briefly before Jace was speeding up, promising Clary that he would be there soon, with an apologetic wave back at Izzy and Alec. Something about the Institute, a lead on where Jocelyn was, Clary wanting Jace’s help. This was becoming common, Jace rushing around to help Clary, or the two of them staring at each other all doe-eyed in front of everyone. It was exhausting.

Izzy shot a hard look towards Alec, one which walked the line between concerned and frustrated. Alec had preferred when she had pretended not to see the thing going on with Alec and Jace. He got a lot of looks like that now, or the more sympathetic ones when they were both watching Clary and Jace almost kiss.

Alec refused to acknowledge it, which ended up working against him as Izzy brought their conversation back to Magnus.

“So, Magnus Bane, huh? The High Warlock of Brooklyn,” she said, winking at him. “I guess we both have our things.”

This caught Alec off guard. “The- the who?” he asked, and Izzy rolled her eyes.

“Don’t play dumb, hermano. We were just with Magnus.”

“Yeah, but the High Warlock of Brooklyn? I- I didn’t know,” he said. Wasn’t that just fantastic? Not just a warlock, not just someone he ended up bumping into again, but the fucking _High Warlock of Brooklyn_. For someone who had only had sex once in his life, Alec sure had chosen the worst possible person to do it with.

Of all the people in the world, it had to be Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. His parents had dealt with Magnus before. His mother had spoke at the dinner table, using her classic tone of offended superiority, about the way Magnus dressed and spoke. She had said vaguely homophobic things about him. There was no way Alec could avoid him for the rest of his life. He had barely managed a few weeks without being saved by him, like some goddamn damsel.

“Oh. You didn’t know who he was?” There was some regret, now, or maybe worry.

“Of course I didn’t know. He just said he was called Magnus. Why would I do that with the High Warlock of Brooklyn?” he asked. “By the Angel, Izzy…” He didn’t say that he had fucked up because he didn’t believe that was true. Maybe this wasn’t ideal, but he couldn’t regret the time he had spent with Magnus.

“Oh, big brother,” she sighed.

  


* * *

  


The redhead had been trying to talk to Alec in the few days since he had been hurt by the demon, which was exactly why Alec was trying to avoid her. She hadn’t managed to tell him what it was about, because Alec left the room as soon as she made her way towards him, but he didn’t want her apologies or anger or whatever it would be.

Yes, it was tempting to blame it all on her, and he would continue to say it was her fault if anyone asked, but he was trying to loosen up on her. For someone who had been thrown into being a Shadowhunter this suddenly, on top of being unable to find her mother, she had stayed composed for the most part. He could at least admit that she seemed less like a threat than she once had. That didn’t mean he liked her, or that he would let her talk to him, but he stopped getting so angry at her.

He was not quite as gentle towards her when he saw moments between her and Jace: him resting a hand on her cheek to give her some comfort, or her staring at Jace when he was training, or both of them exhaling in sync when they stood too close, so it looked like they were about to kiss. Those were the times when he struggled not to shoot her down, not that he would admit it. But he didn’t need to admit it, not when Izzy was there to see it.

There had been enough issues at the Institute to give him reason to avoid Clary. For some reason, there had been more demonic activity targeting the Institute, one Forsaken even managing to get into the Institute and hurt a few of the younger Shadowhunters. They were lucky no one had died and, well, Alec hated to say it, but if Clary hadn’t heard what was going on and managed to take it down, it could have been worse. She had reacted to the situation and protected those around her- she was becoming a real Shadowhunter. It still didn’t mean that Alec had to like her. He was stubborn enough that nothing did.

It was because she was coming his way, shirt ripped, that Alec ducked into the infirmary ward. Some of the victims of the attack were there, one in a bed, another two standing with bandages covering their wounds. It was Magnus who attended to them, and Alec almost walked back out of the room. It wasn’t that he wanted to avoid Magnus, but he had to be prepared. It was hard enough being around pretty boys, and being around pretty boys who _flirted_  with him was harder. He wasn’t used to it.

Magnus caught sight of him and smiled, finishing his healing before striding over to Alec. “Oh, Alexander, I had hoped to see you here. How are you healing up?” he asked, eyes lowering to where the injury was on Alec’s chest.

Too self-aware, his hand floated to the spot. “It’s. It’s good, yeah. Should be fine.”

Magnus’ fingers drifted to the hem of Alec’s shirt, toying with it. “Maybe I should take a look.” The flirtation was unmistakeable, and Alec imagined them going to his room to take a look. Magnus all over Alec’s chest, using the excuse of ‘healing’ at first, then making out against a wall with all pretences dropped.

Alec shuffled back a step, breaking the light contact from his waist. “Not here.”

Magnus flicked his eyes to the near-empty room, all of its inhabitants entirely uninterested in the two men in the corner, then back to Alec. “Well, sorry I didn’t get around to calling you. Busy with work- but I’m sure you know what that’s like,” he said, conversational.

Alec tried to show his enthusiasm in his nod to lighten the mood, and struggled not to react too much to how Magnus said his name. As always, he said it like he just wanted to taste it on his lips. Like it was some fine old wine sitting on his tongue, sweet and heavy and smooth.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve been. Uh. Super busy with work lately,” he agreed.

That amused smile was once again toying at Magnus’ lips. “So busy that you wouldn’t be able to come have a drink with me?” he asked, adding, “I make the best cocktails.”

Alec tried to run through everything he had to do that day; he wanted to be free, wanted to make time. He would have to do paperwork, as always, fill in a report about the Forsaken attack, find out how it had gotten in, and he would need to train Clary and spar with one of the more experienced Shadowhunters…

“N-not that busy,” he said. If he told Izzy he was going out, she would be excited enough about her big brother doing something for himself that she would cover for him if anyone asked.

“Good. Can I pick you up at eight?”

People might see them together. Having this quiet conversation now, they were already taking risks. Someone might see that they were too close, notice Alec’s eyes pausing on Magnus’ mouth. Magnus whisking Alec away through a portal in the evening- well, it would make it hard for people _not_  to realise he was gay and interested in the warlock.

“I ca- the park a few blocks away? Could I meet you there instead?” Alec suggested.

Understanding entered Magnus’ face, the realisation that, yes, Alec was very closeted. He must have had his suspicions already, from Alec pulling away when they were around his siblings, stepping back from their touch minutes ago. “Of course,” he said, then looked around the room. “It would seem my work here is done. I look forward to seeing you tonight.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

Magnus conjured a portal, giving Alec a wink before he stepped through. No one in the infirmary was looking at Alec, but he couldn’t help but feel like there were eyes on him. Izzy was right. He was dumb. Where did ‘one night and one night only’ go? He had forgotten about that around the same time as Magnus had said ‘Alexander’.

But he had agreed to a drink already, and being friendly with the High Warlock of Brooklyn was good for the Institute, so he couldn’t avoid it by not turning up. If he had Magnus’ number, he might have texted him with an excuse.

He told Izzy he would be going out, and she grinned at him. “Him being the High Warlock of Brooklyn doesn’t seem to have put you off that much,” she said, and he sighed.

“I would call it off if I had his number.” There was a decent enough chance that he was telling the truth. If not because he shouldn’t be risking his family’s reputation, then because he would get nervous.

Izzy glared at him. “Don’t be dumb. You deserve to relax sometimes. Me and Jace have nights off.”

He offered a half-hearted agreement, and didn’t point out that she was talking about her and Jace, not him. It wasn’t the same for him, because he was oldest, and their parents didn’t expect Izzy and Jace to uphold the family name like they did with him. They didn’t care about what people thought about them, and Alec couldn’t stop worrying about it. He was envious of them, but it was for the best that he was the only one who had to fret over these things. It would fall to one of them if he didn’t take the burden for himself.

  


* * *

  


Alec had tried to get Jace to practice with Clary, but Jace refused.

“She needs someone with perfect technique like you, bud,” he said, which Alec didn’t believe for a second. They could train her just as well as Alec, and Jace was being too complimentary. He should know by now that flattery didn’t work on Alec.

(Images of Magnus’ smile upon flirting with Alec came to mind, and he made a mental correction: flattery _usually_ didn’t work on him. And it would never work when he was trying to get Alec to spend time with the redhead.)

Alec huffed. “Don’t you like her or something? Thought you’d be all over the idea of getting that close to her,” he said, a bit too sour. Their clinginess hadn’t died down at all, both of them hanging onto every word the other said, all of this sugary build up to the kiss he dreaded would happen. Alec had thought Jace would be less sappy than this, but he was sure Jace had thought Alec would be less bitter, so it evened out.

There was some hurt in Jace’s face. “Look, I know you don’t like Clary and I don’t understand that, but you’re just training with her. You’ve done it enough times before,” he said. “Go train with her, you’re gonna be late.”

Grudging, Alec meandered his way to the training rooms. Talking to Clary was difficult enough as it was, but if she _wanted_  to talk to him, he could only imagine what that experience would be like. He didn’t fancy finding out, but Jace hadn’t given in. He was stuck with her.

She smiled when she saw him, which was the first bad sign.

Alec picked up a staff without making eye contact. If he started teaching her straight away, she wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him. “Ready?” he asked, and she rushed to pick up her own staff and plant her feet squarely on the ground.

“Ready,” she agreed, and Alec lashed out straight away. She was all offence, like most people new to fighting, so he drew her out with jabs, then got her on the ground as soon as she tried to lunge for him. She looked annoyed when she found herself on the floor, where she would be at the mercy of a demon, but Alec couldn’t tell if it was anger at him or herself.

“You try too hard to hurt me, you forget it leaves openings and you end up vulnerable,” he told her. Had it been Jace on the floor, he would offer a hand and pull him up, maybe draw him into a hug and clap a hand on his back. This was Clary, though, so he inspected his staff as she pushed herself up from the floor.

She was determined, and made a genuine effort to listen to his advice. She started lasting longer on her feet, almost getting Alec down once or twice. Whilst Alec wasn’t that bulky, he was still bigger and taller than Clary, which she should be using to her advantage. She was fast, and she should be ducking his attacks, making smaller, quicker offensive moves to force him back without giving him an opening, and then she could get him against a corner and take him out with no struggle.

He told her this, and she moved back into position, sweaty and breathing heavy. He shook his head, and told her, “You’re too worn out. Take a break.”

“Thanks, Alec,” she said, collapsing at the edge of the room next to her jacket and drink. Neither the phone she slipped out of her pocket nor the smile she tried to hide went unnoticed by Alec. Jace and Clary were nowhere near discreet. Alec clenched his jaw too tight, feeling the tendons shift. He wasn’t sure if he had a right to be jealous when he was going to have sex with Magnus again that night, but it didn’t stop him.

Outwardly, he may be the perfect Lightwood son, just and lawful, but he couldn’t force himself not to feel things. He had learnt that many years ago. Ignoring and denying was the closest he could get.

He made sure to put a healthy distance between himself and Clary when he sat down, but she didn’t seem to take the hint.

“How’s it going?” she asked, and he squinted at her. She had an ulterior motive. He didn’t notice himself not replying until she muttered, “Okay then. That’s good.”

“Why have you wanted to talk to me lately?” Straight to the point. He never knew how to lead into things, how to hide his intentions. It wasn’t something he had to do often.

She shifted around to face him more. “Well, I guess I just wanted to say sorry. For all of this.”

Alec flickered his gaze to the room around them. What was she doing? “Why are you apologising? We’ve barely spoken, what would you have to apologise for.” It wasn’t a real question; he knew why. His heart started to pound as he wondered if she knew, if she had told Jace, and he didn’t want to have to stutter and beg for her not to out him to everyone.

“You know why. I’ve seen the way you look at Jace, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to get between you two, but I’m not doing any of this to hurt you,” she told him.

“It- you’re not hurting me. He’s my best friend. My _parabatai_. I’m happy for him! He likes you, okay? Yeah, that’s- it’s good, I don’t care.” It was not his most convincing display, but he couldn’t tell how much she knew. Since she had arrived here, Jace and Alec had been tense, argued more. Jace didn’t like that Alec was so dismissive of Clary, Alec didn’t like that Jace put her above him. Even though Clary had only known them as they were now, she knew they were distancing, and knew it was related to her.

It wasn’t her fault, really, it was just Alec being forced to face some realities he wanted to ignore, and Jace being stubborn and not understanding Alec. For someone who knew Alec so well, he managed to be unaware of the most obvious things about him.

“Alec. You don’t have to pretend,” she said, eyebrows pulled together in concern. “Look, you’re in love with Jace or something-”

That was where Alec drew the line. “Shut up- I’m not. He’s, look, he’s my parabatai, you don’t understand what that’s like. But it means that what I feel for him- we’re friends. It means it’s normal. We’re parabatai,” he told her. She was pressing at sore wounds when she said things like this, she couldn’t expect that to be reasonable. It wasn’t. What if someone had heard?

“Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself until you believe it. I don’t care what you feel for him, I get it, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, and I didn’t want to be why you and Jace are angry at each other.” She was a strange mix of apologetic and blunt, and it threw Alec off. From what he knew of her, he had expected everything she said to be gentle and soft, worried about causing the slightest amount of insult. She was almost like Izzy, in the way she mixed insults and comfort together.

Alec hesitated, undecided on whether he wanted to carry on denying his feelings to her or admit them. “Have you told him?” he asked, reluctant. He didn’t like the power this gave her. Now, he was at her mercy. She had him backed into that corner, and she could tell Jace about this whenever she wanted, for whatever reason (or no reason at all).

“I would never do that,” she frowned. “This wasn’t me threatening you or whatever, I thought I made it obvious that this was just an apology.”

“Okay. Good,” he said, allowing himself to relax a touch, then glare at her. “You better not tell anyone. Not even your little vampire friend.” She scoffed as he mentioned the vampire.

He moved to the middle of the room with his staff in hand, positioned with his feet firm on the ground. “Round two?”

“Round two. Get ready to get knocked to your ass.”

(She did not manage to knock him to his ass, but she made a good effort.)

  


* * *

  


As expected, Izzy promised to cover for him, and offered to help him choose an outfit. Alec didn’t let her dress him, because he could find his own clothes in far less time than she would take, but thanked her for her help. If their parents found out where he was, Alec would face the brunt of the anger, but Izzy making up excuses for him wouldn’t go unnoticed. She was taking a risk for him, and he appreciated that.

He left the Institute, dressed in a leather jacket Izzy had bought him over a dark denim shirt- the top button left undone- and black skinny jeans. Nothing special, but hopefully neither too casual nor too formal. It wouldn’t matter much anyway; he wouldn’t stay clothed for long, he knew. This was a booty call, as Jace would call it. He doubted Magnus would spend much time judging him on how he dressed.

Walking to the park took very little time, and Alec arrived ten minutes early. When he was nervous, he could never stand to wait, so he was used to being early. It was yet another time when he was thankful for his invisibility rune. He felt awkward enough standing there alone, it would be worse if all the mundanes could see him. He was only waiting for five minutes though, and then he had Magnus looking up at him.

“Fancy seeing you here,” he said, eyes drifting to where Alec’s sleeves were rolled up to expose his arms.

“We arranged to meet here at eight o’clock,” Alec said. In his mind, he imagined kicking himself, because that was a _joke_ , of course. There was some kind of magical aura around Magnus which slowed Alec’s brain, he was sure. That would explain why he couldn’t stop himself doing stupid things like agreeing to dates with warlocks (or just one date with one warlock) and missing jokes until a few seconds too late.

Magnus found it endearing, if Alec was reading his face right. “So we did,” he conceded. “Would you like to go to my place?”

“Yeah.” A whole word without stuttering or making a fool of himself? Who had blessed Alec to make this miracle happen?

They walked to the subway to get to Magnus’ apartment, stood close enough together that Alec stopped bothering to apologise when he bumped into Magnus. It was weirdly pleasant to just walk together. They weren’t trying to start a relationship or anything, and Alec didn’t pretend that this was anything but sex, but being in a calm, comfortable situation with Magnus was not an unwelcome change. So far, they had only spoken in the lead up to sex, or during sex, or when Alec was injured, or when his family was around- always something to make a tense atmosphere.

Now, they walked, Magnus making comments to Alec that he sometimes returned. Magnus laughed when Alec whispered, “Dog!” as they walked past a German Shepherd and its owner, and begun to spout off stories about his cat, Chairman Meow. Alec spluttered at the name, much to the amusement of Magnus.

Alec wasn’t sure how long it had taken to get to Magnus’ apartment, and it wasn’t until Magnus was opening the door (without a key, which made Alec wonder if he used magic to unlock it or didn’t lock it at all) that Alec realised they could have used a portal. It was something Alec was used to doing, though not whenever and wherever he liked. As a Shadowhunter, he was constrained to pre-made portals, like the one between the Institute and Idris. Alec couldn’t tell if it was because Magnus didn’t want to use magic or if he wanted to have a walk with Alec.

The second option seemed unlikely, but he hadn’t exerted himself of an unreasonable amount of energy. Or, not to Alec’s knowledge, and he wasn’t acting like he was too spent. It was possible Alec thought too much into small things.

They were in Magnus’ lounge once again, and Magnus had taken Alec’s jacket from him and wandered over to his bar. “What would you like me to make you?” he asked.

Alec knew the names of very few cocktails, and had only tried one when Magnus had given him one. “Uh. Whatever you’re having?”

“Letting me choose for you? Aren’t we such a sweet couple,” he teased. As he spoke, he poured a mix of liquids into a metal container and shook them together. There was practiced finesse to his movements, to the way he measured out the drinks without looking at what he was doing. He must bring people home often, give them flirtatious looks as he made fancy drinks for them, as he was doing with Alec right now. Alec had no business caring about that; he was here because Magnus had an amazing ass and, somehow, had decided to pay attention to Alec.

That alone made Magnus an enigma to Alec. What kind of person chose Alec over an entire club full of people? Alec guessed there were few people who would say no to Magnus. There was a level of collectedness and confidence to him, but not quite the ego that Jace had at times. It was attractive. Magnus, as a whole, was attractive.

A glass was held out to Alec, and he took it instinctively, trying not to start when Magnus brushed his fingers over Alec’s knuckles. It wasn’t an accident, all of this contact was intentful, designed to elicit blushing and stuttering from Alec, which seemed to be something Magnus relished. It was embarrassing, but not uncomfortable.

The drink was sweet, edging towards too much sweetness. The alcohol balanced it somewhat, and it earned its place as ‘least unpleasant cocktail Alec had ever tried’. Overall, Alec preferred beer and wine, he had decided, but this wasn’t bad.

Magnus watched him sip at it, and he found himself smiling.

“Did I mention how good that shirt makes your arms look?” Magnus asked him, and Alec shook his head. “Well, it makes your arms look good. You look simply delicious, Alexander.”

Alec averted his eyes to the floor, tried to hide his sheepish response. “Thanks.”

When Magnus walked close to him, there was a sway in his hips which made Alec want to lean in and kiss him. For so long, Alec had gotten used to all eyes focussing on Izzy and Jace, people who had confidence and put themselves out there. Alec was used to shrinking back from everyone: girls because he didn’t want to be expected to date them, and boys because he was afraid of wanting to date them.

In the privacy of Magnus’ loft, he could flirt, kiss, have sex. Do everything that he had told himself he couldn’t and wouldn’t do. There was a degree of fear, because this was all new, and it was secret, and if anyone found out he would be ruined. But, finally, he felt selfish desire. He held his glass to the side so he could lunge forwards to Magnus’ lips.

Magnus let himself indulge for a few seconds, then backed off gently, eyes exploring Alec’s face. “Mmm, as much as I enjoy kissing you, my dear Alexander, I was wondering what you wanted to do tonight?”

Alec wasn’t good at answering unexpected questions or talking to Magnus, but this was something he had thought about (perhaps late at night, and not always clothed, and sometimes using runes to stop people hearing him). “I- I want to try sucking you off? I would like to do that,” he said, blushing. One day, he would be able to say things like that without getting so flustered.

There was something off in Magnus’ face, disappointment at this suggestion, perhaps even hurt.

Of course, Magnus would want more real sex, not blowjobs.

Alec shook his head, hard, back-tracking his words. “Or, uh, you could. Fuck me?”

Magnus shook off the strange look, returning to the perkier, flirtier version of himself, but Alec couldn’t help feeling as if he had made Magnus close off somehow. “Maybe some other time,” he said, waving away Alec’s attempt to correct himself. In all honesty, it was a relief. Alec wasn’t ready for that yet. Magnus lowered his voice. “You would like to suck me off though? Have you been thinking about that a lot?”

There was no point in hiding it. “Yeah,” he agreed, biting his lip as he thought about it again. It would be another first, one where his inexperience would be less easy to hide, but he wanted to try, to taste. The thought alone made his cock twitch.

“Isn’t that a pretty image,” Magnus murmured, voice sultry. “I’m all yours. Want to take this to the couch?”

Alec nodded, and they abandoned their half-finished drinks to make out on the couch. This time, Alec was on top, Magnus’ hands all over his body, his ass and his thighs and his hair. Magnus clearly had a fixation with his neck and hair, tugging his head back and leaving bruises on his collarbones again (low enough down to cover with clothes, this time).

Feeling daring, Alec slipped his hands between Magnus’ legs, rubbing at his hard-on. Magnus gasped at his unexpected action, laughing close to Alec’s ear.

“I don’t remember you being this forward last time, Alexander.”

Alec tried to look confident as he slid off Magnus’ lap, pushing the warlock’s knees apart so he could kneel between his legs. He didn’t waste time in popping open Magnus’ button, pulling his pants and underwear out of the way enough for Alec to be able to get to his dick. It smelt of sex- skin and precome- and Alec couldn’t help but feel turned on.

He looked up to Magnus for confirmation that this was alright. Assurance came in the form of a hand at the nape of his neck, nudging him closer. Alec used one hand to hold Magnus’ cock at the base, the other resting on Magnus’ thigh and rubbing circles subconsciously.

The general idea behind this was easy enough: put dick in mouth; move head up and down; suck. In practice, Alec was sure it would be harder, but he wanted to do it. He kissed the head of Magnus’ cock lightly, licking away precome. It wasn’t something he had tasted before, and he wouldn’t describe it as a nice flavour, but knowing what it was made Alec savour it.

Magnus groaned, approving, as Alec took him into his mouth. He didn’t try to take him all, just let the first couple inches rest on his tongue to test out this new feeling. The weight of it was unfamiliar, but welcome. He bobbed his head, starting to mimic the movement with his hand. He pressed his tongue along the underside of Magnus’ cock without thinking, and attempted to take him further.

Magnus didn’t press his head down or force him to go deeper, but let the hand resting on Alec’s head follow his movements. Some parts of Alec wanted Magnus to pull at his hair, to use him even if it made him choke. The thought made him struggle not to touch himself. It wasn’t the best fantasy to try out for his first ever blowjob, but if there was a next time, it was something Alec wanted to try. Magnus acted like there would be a next time.

Alec pulled back to breathe, taking a moment to check out Magnus’ face. His eyes were only half-open, lazy enjoyment, and Alec could see his chest was rising and falling quicker than usual. With Alec taking a break, Magnus moved a hand to his cheek and rested his thumb on Alec’s damp lower lip. Alec reflexively parted his lips and took Magnus’ thumb into his mouth, running his tongue over it.

Magnus smiled at him. “You’re so good for me.”

At those words, a soft shiver rolled down Alec’s spine. He had hoped it would be passed off as being due to the situation- a dick near his face and everything- but Magnus was a perceptive man, and Alec was bad at being subtle.

“Do you like that, Alexander? Me telling you what a good boy you are?” Magnus asked him, taking his thumb away from Alec to let him answer.

He did like it. Praise was always something he enjoyed, and the sexual context to it only seemed to heighten his response to the point where it turned him on. He nodded, hiding his face by dipping down his head and sucking at the head of Magnus’ cock.

Alec didn’t have much technique, but he hoped he had enough sloppy enthusiasm to make up for it. “Fuck, such a good boy,” Magnus murmured, tilting his head back as Alec started up a rhythm again. With Magnus’ encouragement spurring him on, he pushed himself down as far as possible, and managed to swallow down most of Magnus.

The thought, _‘Deepthroating isn’t that hard,’_ stayed in his mind for all of two seconds before he was spluttering, eyes filling with water to make him look like he was crying as he jolted away. He coughed and wiped away his tears, flushed both from the embarrassment and the choking. Alec was dumb to even try that, but Magnus was just staring down at him, a mix of concerned and amused as he helped to clear a tear from Alec’s face.

“Oh, Alexander, you poor thing. You don’t have to take me that deep for it to feel good,” he said, cradling Alec’s cheek delicately. Alec relaxed into the tenderness, nodding his agreement.

Usually, it would be his automatic response to apologise, but he resisted the urge, saying, “I wanted to try,” instead. Magnus gave him a fond look, and Alec had to drop his gaze and fill his mouth up with Magnus’ cock again. It was a way to stop the eye contact, but he was sure Magnus wouldn’t complain. Alec sure as hell wouldn’t have.

The feeling of Magnus’ hips, warm and making minute movements towards his mouth, fuelled his efforts. There was something about knowing that he was pleasuring Magnus that turned Alec on, made it a struggle not to touch himself. He was giving himself up to this beautiful, beautiful man, at his mercy.

He didn’t try to take him all this time, but swallowed down as much as he could, letting himself enjoy it without shame. The hand Magnus had on his shoulder clenched into a fist, grabbing at a handful of Alec’s shirt. He imagined it pulling at his hair instead, remembered the sting at his scalp when they had fucked the first time.

Without looking up, Alec guided Magnus’ hand to his hair, helped him to twist at the dark locks. Magnus got the hint, asking him between gentle sighs of pleasure, “You liked that, Alexander?” This was a compromise for his fantasy, until he had more experience.

Alec sucked harder, and Magnus moaned loudly, beginning to lose control of himself as he neared his climax. The thought of Magnus coming in his mouth, of swallowing it as Magnus watched, made him take a sharp breath through his nose. Magnus had his eyes closed, the sounds he made becoming louder and more frequent.

“Alexander,” Magnus warned, hand releasing Alec’s hair to push at his shoulder. It wasn’t forceful enough to make him move, but enough to send a message. Alec didn’t back off, continuing with renewed fervour, until Magnus was gasping and coming undone.

It was so much more personal than the last time they had slept together, though it wasn’t full-on sex. He had drank so much less. Last time he hadn’t been drunk, per se, but he wasn’t sober. Enough to pretend it was, at least in part, due to the drinks. Half a cocktail- and not a strong one, at that- was nowhere near an excuse.

Magnus pulled him up for a kiss, mumbling, “So good, Alexander, so pretty,” as he unbuttoned Alec’s pants. He came a bit too quickly once Magnus started jacking him off, but no comment was made. Magnus petted his hair sleepily, cleaning them up with his magic, and Alec could fall asleep right there, sprawled over Magnus, post-coital and happy.

He extracted himself from Magnus’ grip, who furrowed his brow.

“I- it’s late, I gotta get back,” Alec said, fixing his clothes and hair.

Magnus nodded, giving a tense smile. “Of course. The Institute calls.”

“Yeah. I’ll go now,” he said, pausing before he turned. “Sorry.” He didn’t know why he felt the need to apologise, but there was something in the way Magnus was looking at him. He rushed out of the apartment before he got a response.

  


* * *

  


“How’d it go with Magnus last night, hermano?” Izzy asked. They were sparring alone, Izzy somehow perfectly composed and her breathing no faster than normal. She must have dedicated time to learning how to act unaffected so she would be flawless even in battle.

With a swift movement, more spontaneous than usual, Alec tripped her. He surveyed their surroundings as she fell to the ground; they were alone, but it was a risk nonetheless. “Iz! There could have been people around,” he hissed, and she rolled her eyes.

“No one is listening, I checked. And besides, I just said you were with him. Probably doing some important business, huh?” she said, winking.

Alec didn’t find what she was saying funny. They couldn’t talk about him when they could be heard, unless it was about a mission.

“Okay, sorry. Let’s finish up training and then we can talk about how your _work_ went,” she said.

He nodded his assent, and they knocked each other down until they had finished their hour of practice, and Izzy dragged him off to her room, planting herself on the bed and grinning at him. “Now talk,” she demanded.

“I don’t know why you’re so excited about it. I shouldn’t be doing it. Mom would kill me. The Clave would probably tell me I had to leave. I couldn’t lead the Institute if they found out. This isn’t- I don’t know, this isn’t what I should be doing,” he said, releasing the worries he had been building up. He hadn’t thought about it much until then, still dazed by the newness of it all, but there was a lot at stake.

He was pacing, hands running through his hair, like he always ended up doing when he was worried. “Alec, I’m excited because you’re doing something for yourself for once. And I’m going to help you hide it from the Clave because I want you to have this. And Mom-” She hesitated here. Their mother loved them, in her own way, but she had limits. “Mom would get over it,” was what Izzy settled on, but Alec wasn’t so sure.

“I don’t know, Izzy,” he sighed, slumping onto the bed next to her. She cuddled into his side, reaching up to pet his hair.

“Hermano, do something for yourself,” she said.

“Whatever. I’m gonna go see what I need to do,” he said, leaving the room. He needed to stop storming out on her, but she needed to stop confusing him by making him think it was alright to be selfish.

  


* * *

  


Alec had left his jacket at Magnus’ place. He knew before the text came through, realised when he was shivering on the subway, but Magnus confirmed it for him in a text. Which meant he would have to go to Magnus’ place again, after he couldn’t help but feel like he had messed up the last time. By talking too little, by not giving enough, by leaving too fast.

But he didn’t want to think about it. There were other things for Alec to think about. Things like how Clary and Jace were spending more time together, and Alec hadn’t spoken to Magnus since he ran out on him for the second time, and he didn’t like lying to Jace, and they hadn’t spoken much lately. Somehow, Alec having sex with an openly bisexual warlock behind Jace’s back had made things awkward, when added to Jace’s ever-increasing affection for Clary. What a surprise.

Alec wasn’t good at hiding things or being discreet, yet Jace remained unaware of what was happening. He was pouty and confused whenever Alec left a conversation with a half-hearted excuse, but it was clear he didn’t know what he had done. Clary kept her word, then. She didn’t seem like a bad person, but Alec had been wary. Shadowhunters weren’t taught to trust easily, and, _‘She seems alright,’_ wasn’t enough.

It took a weight off his shoulders to know his secret was safe, at least for a while longer, but there were more things that he couldn’t stop thinking about, and it was making it hard. Everything was hard, because he had to work, and he had to be emotionless and focussed so he could end up running the Institute, and he had to make his parents proud. He knew all those things, and he still wanted to run the Institute, but now he was thinking about Magnus too often, and wanting to talk to him, and missing him, which was wrong. Because he wasn’t supposed to be gay, and he wasn’t supposed to like Downworlders.

He was in love with Jace, he shouldn’t be thinking about Magnus that way. He shouldn’t be thinking about Jace that way, either, but that type of wrongness had become familiar. Magnus was a new mistake for him to make over and over, and he didn’t want that. He was in love with one man he couldn’t have, then hooking up with another, and missing that other person too much. God, he was dumb. He was so dumb. It wasn’t like he even knew that much about Magnus, but he was so kind to Alec and his smile was beautiful and there were moments where Alec felt like they were almost learning something about each other.

His hands were beginning to shake as he thought about it all. About how he was gay, and how his mother didn’t like Magnus, and how she might hate him, might kick him out, might think he was playing a sick joke, because her son couldn’t be like that, could he? His father wouldn’t be as open about his feelings, but he would stare, confused, wondering what this meant. Where he went wrong. As soon as they found out, they would hate him.

They would hate him. In seconds, he would go from their beloved son to a disgrace. His mother would beg him to stop, to not embarrass her, to never talk about it. If he let any of this slip, his whole future was ruined. It was something he was aware of every day, but it didn’t always feel this real, or this unavoidable. He knew Izzy had found out without him ever telling her, and now Clary had too. What did it say about his subtlety if Clary, of all people, had managed to piece it together?

He had to leave the Institute. He had to get away from this fucking place, the place that would hate him as soon as it knew who he was.

He left without putting on his jacket- it was at Magnus’, he couldn’t- and shivered against the cold. It became hard to distinguish between his nervous trembling and the shivers against the autumn chill. He tried to walk fast enough to keep warm, but it was no use. His thoughts were getting tangled in each other, more repetitive and fast.

It wasn’t quite a panic attack, but it hung on the edge, and he was alone in the middle of an empty street. If he didn’t call Izzy now, he didn’t know how he could calm down.

He yanked his phone out of his back pocket, taking three attempts to not fuck up his password. He was going too fast, he should slow down, but he didn’t want to. His phone opened to the messenger screen straight away, and he clicked the call button. Izzy would answer and calm him down from this.

She picked up, and he was talking before she could get a single word out.

“Fuck, Izzy, fuck, I’m going to have a panic attack. I went on a walk and I don’t know where I am and Mom and Dad will find out I’m gay and I can’t find my thoughts and I don’t know what to do and I need you to calm me down,” he rushed, too close to tears when he finished talking.

This was who he was. A Shadowhunter, crying on the streets about being gay.

“Alexander?” The voice on the other end of the phone was distinctly not Izzy’s. Nobody but Magnus called him Alexander, and, _fuck_ , he had dialled Magnus. “Alexander, are you okay? Do you know how to get to my place from where you are?”

His instinct to hang up and forget his mistake was dwindling as Magnus spoke. He didn’t want to go back to the Institute. Alec looked around, trying to figure out where he was. “Um, I- I think I know where I am?” he said, spinning around and forcing his eyes to stop flickering from object to object. He walked to the end of the street and, yes, he remembered now. The subway was close. “Yeah, yeah, I can get to your place.”

“Okay, darling, that’s good. Should I stay on the phone with you whilst you get here?” Magnus asked, soothing. There was something rhythmic and calm to his voice. It made his mind want to slow down to keep pace.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s good,” he said, flinching at a sudden noise from across the street, a pigeon lifting off the ground in reaction. These were things which should not scare him- did not scare him, when he was himself. He picked up his pace, clutching onto the hem of his shirt with the hand that wasn’t holding his phone. “Distract me.”

With no hesitation, Magnus asked, “What type of movies do you like?”

“Movies? I, uh, I don’t watch any,” he admitted. He was sure that he had enjoyed one or two, things that Izzy had claimed he had to watch, but he couldn’t think of them right now.

“What’s Izzy’s favourite type of movie?”

“My sister’s?” Alec was closer to Magnus’ house than he had thought, about five minutes away now. “She likes romantic comedies. Ten Things I Hate About You is her favourite. She doesn’t like Love Actually.”

“Oh, God, I can’t stand Love Actually. I don’t blame her,” he scoffed, going off on a rant about the poor writing and objectification of women, which was exactly what Izzy had been muttering to herself after giving in and watching it a few months ago.

It wasn’t enough to make him feel like himself, but it was grounding. There was a lull in the conversation as Magnus finished tearing apart Hugh Grant’s character, which Alec used to mumble, “I’m just outside your door.”

There was only a second’s delay before Magnus swung the door open, phone still held to his ear.

“Hello, darling,” he said, smiling as he hung up and took a step back. Alec took this as an invitation to walk into his place, pocketing his phone and beginning to fiddle with his hands.

“A drink?” Magnus suggested. “Tea, coffee, water, alcohol?”

“I’ll stick with just water,” he said. Contrary to popular belief, getting drunk when he was already panicking just made Alec more distressed.

Magnus handed him a glass which Alec hadn’t noticed him magicking into his hands, and led him over to the couch. They sat close, and Magnus went to hold his hand, but Alec couldn’t help but flinch and lean away. Touching didn’t help. It made him feel trapped.

“I. I don’t like being touched when I’m like this. I need space. I need to breathe.” The look on Magnus’ face was more concerned than hurt, which he appreciated.

“That’s fine,” Magnus assured, shuffling to put a foot of distance between them. "What do you need from me?”

Alec shook his head, focussing on his breathing. In ten minutes or so, he would be calm, and he could stop troubling Magnus. “Talk,” he said.

In his peripheral vision, he could see Magnus nod as he began to talk. Alec didn’t listen to a word of it, which might make him feel guilty if he wasn’t in this state, but right now, he needed a steady rhythm to focus on.

He tuned back in as Magnus was fondly describing Catarina, whoever that was. She sounded sweet, determined, and Alec gave a weak smile as he tried to push away the twisting feeling that hadn’t quite left his stomach.

From the sounds of it, Magnus had been talking about his friends and maybe his family, so Alec gave some soft input, about how when they were kids, their parents had been too busy to take care of them, so Maryse’s parents had looked after Izzy when Alec was at school. They spoke only Spanish to her, so she had ended up fluent and speaking English with a slight accent, but Alec didn’t have the time to learn any. A couple words here and there, but Alec had heard her speaking in Spanish to Simon, and he hadn’t picked up a single word.

Magnus was nodding along attentively, and commenting when there were gaps, and they were having a proper conversation. Alec’s shoulders had relaxed at some point, but he drew away when he realised how much of Magnus’ time he must have wasted by encroaching upon his privacy.

Straightening up a touch, he put his glass of water down. “Thanks. For calming me down and- everything. I’m sorry, I was freaking out and I meant to call Izzy but I dialled you instead,” he apologised. “I can leave now.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so silly, Alexander. You must be exhausted, stay and watch a movie with me.”

He knew he should be telling Magnus that he had to leave, that his sister might worry, that he already felt like he had intruded enough.

“Yeah. Okay, sure, I’ll text Izzy,” he said, slipping his phone out to let her know he would be home late.

“Perfect. Any idea what you want to watch?”

Alec laughed. “Well, I’m not too up-to-date with pop culture. You could show me just about anything and I probably won’t have seen it.”

This seemed to excite Magnus. “Oh, fantastic. Think of all the new things I can show you,” he said, with only a hint of innuendo on his lips. “How bad is it? Have you at least seen Star Wars and Ghostbusters?”

Alec smiled, enjoying this innocent, excitable Magnus. It was nice to see him in a more natural environment, none of the faking they both did when they were trying to turn each other on. They weren’t disingenuous in those moments, but it was like putting on a smile at a dinner party, sharing all that surface-level knowledge about how work and relationships were going without ever learning about the important things. They held each other at a cautious distance, so Alec wouldn’t get outed and Magnus wouldn’t get dragged into something serious.

Shrugging, Alec brought himself back to the subject at hand. “I’ve seen Star Wars. Izzy is a pretty big fan, but not Ghostbusters.” He knew that it was eighties, about some guys hunting (busting?) ghosts, but he had never seen it.

“A tragedy, Alexander!” Magnus exclaimed, covering his heart in mock-shock, and adding in a teasing tone, “Though, if I’m honest, I didn’t expect you to even know what Star Wars was. You’re a man absorbed in his work. Izzy has done well to make you watch them.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “I’m not _that_  bad. Why don’t you just put the damn DVD on instead of making fun of me.” This joking had an ease to it that Alec was more accustomed to around Izzy and Jace than with people like Magnus (men he had met weeks ago, men he had fucked, men he had snuck away from when his nerves got the best of him).

“My pleasure.” He winked, but it was free of implications, and it was strange that Alec preferred him like this, clothed and casual and not even touching him.

It was worse, somehow, to know that he didn’t like Magnus only for sex.

The DVD started up, and Magnus was shimmying his shoulders with a little smile, looking eager as he kept his eyes fixed on the screen, skipping through ads to the menu screen. With an oversized black t-shirt on, the soft fabric draped over him like a blanket and slipping off one shoulder, Alec wanted to cuddle into him. He couldn’t pinpoint where this desperation for physical contact came from- maybe because he was recovering from a panic attack, maybe because he and Jace didn’t touch so much anymore- but he wanted it to stop.

They were about a quarter of an hour into the movie, Alec asking the occasional question and Magnus making the odd joke, when Magnus shifted across the couch and leant against his shoulder. Alec seized up in surprise, but made his muscles loosen in time with an exhale.

“Am I okay to do this?” Magnus whispered, chin on his shoulder and looking up at him earnestly. His voice was right in Alec’s ear, and they had been talking in a normal tone earlier: there was no reason for him to whisper.

He nodded, a bit breathless for some reason. “You’re very okay.”

Magnus snorted. “I’ve always wanted to be mediocre.”

Alec gave him a playful jab with his elbow. “What can I say. I help people achieve dreams,” he deadpanned, instead of correcting him.

They settled down, and Alec ended up with his arms around Magnus (cuddling him) and he was nodding off by the time the end credits scrolled down the screen. Magnus nudged him, and he opened his eyes with a groan. He wanted to sleep.

“You can sleep here, if you want,” Magnus told him, as if reading his mind. For a brief second, Alec considered whether warlocks could read minds, but reminded himself that, no, he was being dumb, Magnus’ ‘mindreading’ was actually him seeing Alec yawning and curling up.

If he wasn’t so sure that he would fall asleep when he was trying to walk home, he would put up more of a protest than a mumbled confirmation that Magnus was sure.

“Of course. Let’s get you into bed before you fall asleep, though.”

Getting Alec through to the bedroom was a bit of a struggle, as each movement seemed to act as a reminder of how much Alec needed to get some rest, but they got there, and Alec stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed.

Magnus joined him, and he wasn’t sure which of them initiated the contact, but they were soon enough spooning with Alec’s face nuzzled into the nape of Magnus’ neck.

“Sorry for the way I left the other night,” he said, muffled by Magnus’ skin and hair.

Magnus hummed. “You had things to do, places to be,” he said, and Alec couldn’t remember if that was true. His hand tightened around Alec’s for a second. “Will I see you in the morning?”

Alec made a vague, unhappy sound. “Maybe.” There was a sliver of a chance, miniscule, that he would be there when Magnus woke up. He knew he would be out the door before seven to make it back to the Institute without anyone important wondering where he was.

Magnus took it for what it was. “You’re a busy man.” It sounded like an insult, but Alec whispered another apology and fell asleep.

He left as the sun was rising, and wished he could drink coffee with Magnus in his sitting room, watching the light climb through the sky, chatting with him idly.

He remembered to bring back his jacket, and pretended he didn’t want Magnus to come up with an excuse to text him anyway.

  


* * *

  


The day had ticked on, slow and miserable. He didn’t know how to text Magnus, how to talk to him, because watching movies together and cuddling had been like a mocking parody of a relationship to Alec, and it was something he wanted. Deep in his chest, he wanted it, itched to hold a hand and hug someone close to him until his need died down. It was sappy, and it was unrealistic, and it was near impossible.

Any relationship he had would be dire. Either with a woman who he couldn’t fall in love with but who he could be with in public, or with a man who he might end up loving but he would have to hide away like some dirty sin. It would be bad, and he wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that, but there was a possibility that, with the right person, Alec would go through the bad to have the good.

He thought about these covert meetings they would have to set up, and wondered who he was imagining having them with. Once, it would always be Jace that came to mind if anyone brought up love or romance. Now, he was still somewhere in the picture, and Alec tried to ignore the sickness he caused himself when he thought of kissing him, the impossibilities of it, but he didn’t know what he wanted from Jace anymore.

There was confusion and fear when it came to Magnus, the same turmoil he had gotten used to after admitting to himself that he might be in love with Jace. With Magnus, it was stronger, because it was realer. They could be something. They _were_  something. Not boyfriends, no, and perhaps only tentatively friends, but something.

He wanted Magnus. He wanted a lot of things from Magnus. To kiss him again, to have sex with him again, to watch movies with him again, but he wasn’t in love with him. In the few meetings they had organised over only a couple of months, he couldn’t possibly be in love. But it could be something.

But, as always, there was Jace. Jace, for years, had been someone Alec was in love with, and Alec couldn’t forget him the second a more realistic option came sashaying up to him. A lot could be said about how emotionally dense Alec was, but he knew well enough that dating one person when he was in love with another was inhumane for all involved.

His eyes weren’t focussed on the book he was supposed to be reading, and it took him too long to realised there was someone lingering too close behind him. In the quiet of the library, he should have heard their steps a mile away. He prepared himself to jump back and draw his bow (lately, he had been keeping it close even in the Institute).

“Is there a reason why you’re ignoring me for books, Alec?” Jace asked, peeking over his shoulder before he could make a dangerous move. “And one as boring as that?”

“It’s interesting,” he said, which was not true. Never had Alec wanted to learn about vampires in Medieval Britain, and the level of detail it went into was uninteresting and unappreciated. He was only reading it to give the illusion of researching; he hadn’t turned the page in half an hour.

“Sure bro,” Jace said, patting his shoulder. “Do you want to go somewhere more private? We need to talk.”

Alec glanced at his book. “I’m researching.”

“Well, I’m sure you’re completely absorbed in that, and I’m sorry to tear you away, but this is more important than your book,” Jace said, stepping back impatiently.

Alec made no move to follow.

“It’s about a mission, Alec.”

Alec doubted it, but he didn’t bother checking what page he was on before he closed and shelved his book, following after Jace. Right now, he wouldn’t say he was excited to talk to Jace, but he hated this distance between them. They were supposed to be brothers, and Alec was an ass who couldn’t deal with his emotions, so he ended up pushing Jace away.

They stepped into Jace’s room, where Jace turned to face him with his arms crossed. “Why are you ignoring me, Alec?”

“I’m not ignoring you,” he said, to which Jace raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t you say this was about a mission?”

“Even Clary knows something’s up, and you’re not exactly friends,” Jace said, paying no attention to his second comment, and Alec held his tongue against sarcastic comments. “Look, I know this is about Clary. I don’t know what you have against her, but ever since she got here, you started blocking me off even more than usual, and don’t think I haven’t noticed that you leave the room whenever she comes in. Why does she have to come between us?”

Alec mimicked Jace’s posture, arms over his chest and back straight, before catching himself and dropping his arms to his side. “She’s not. She’s not coming between us, and she’s fine, okay? I don’t hate her,” he said. That was true. She was nice enough. If Jace hadn’t taken such a liking to her, Alec might have ended up friends with her by now.

Jace’s expression remained sceptical.

“Clary seems great, and I’m pleased that you two are happy together,” he insisted. They seemed happy together. Jace got wide-eyed and hopeful whenever she spoke to him, and Alec never looked at Clary much, but she smiled when they were near each other, and had managed to get him down in sparring a few times. She was good for his ego, Izzy had mentioned once, then remembered who she was talking to and changed the subject. “I’ve been busy. We’re still fine.”

Jace had that look that he got when he was trying to discern how honest Alec was being. “We better still be fine,” he said. “And it’s good that you like Clary. Because I like her, too. She’s… nice.”

He had that doughy look again, and Alec’s jealousy and happiness and loneliness and affection were all coiling together into something warm and sharp in Alec’s chest. He nodded, and Jace enveloped him in a hug, patting his back.

“We really do have a mission, by the way. Just a few demons, we’ll get our weapons then head out with Iz,” Jace said, and that meant Alec could go into mission mode, where everything was working to a set goal, and things made perfect sense, and feelings didn’t matter. It was what Alec needed, sometimes.

They were efficient at demon hunting by now, and between the three of them, they got four demons down with no injuries. Alec and Jace were as in sync as they always were, twisting around each other, rushing forwards at just the right time, ducking swipes and covering the other. Izzy slotted into this all, too, of course, but it was different between Jace and Alec. Izzy wasn’t parabatai with them- her heart was set to a different beat, she didn’t feel that connection like a string tying them together- but she was still in time with them. The three of them made being a Shadowhunter look easy.

It was a reassurance to know that, no matter what was going on with the stubborn redhead and her vampire friend, Jace and Alec and Izzy stayed the same. Izzy smiled at them. “Good job, boys,” she said, and Alec was sure that she got a kick out of referring to the two of them as ‘boys’.

It was before eight in the evening by the time they were back at the Institute, and Alec couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. He told himself he was thinking about him because fighting demons had reminded him of when Magnus healed him, and it was evening and he was lonely, but he couldn’t fool himself too much. Sure, that had something to do with it, but he had wanted to see Magnus earlier that day. And the day before, and the day before that.

Alec wanted Magnus, plain and simple. Since he was a child, his mother had taught him that there were more important things to consider than what he wanted- _'I want never gets, Alec,'_ was all too familiar a phrase- but he was giving himself one good thing. For now, Magnus was his one good thing, something selfish.

He called Magnus, leaned against a wall in a private corner of the library. Magnus’ tone was neutral, edging into boredom, until Alec said, “Uh, hi, it’s Alec. Just. Wondering if you would be free for us to meet up again sometime.” The change in Magnus’ attitude when he realised who it was made Alec grin, wide and dopey.

“Alexander! Of course, darling. I don’t have anything to do tonight, if you wanted to come over,” he said, and Alec could imagine him in some outrageous, yet breath-taking, clothes. Maybe a shirt made out of something sheer, with loose, flowing trousers, dressed up to the nines in jewellery around his neck and fingers. He might be swirling a cocktail or running his nails along the spine of a book.

Alec was too invested in imagining him, and he glanced around himself as he spoke. “Yeah. Yeah, tonight sounds great. See you later, Magnus.”

“I’ll be ready for you.” Magnus hung up, and Alec didn’t bother picking out anything pretty to wear. He pulled on a jacket and headed out, over-eager to see Magnus. Time away from the things he needed to do, time spent doing what he wanted to, what he enjoyed. Doing things for himself and feeling safe.

He didn’t know what it was about Magnus that made him feel safe, but that was undeniably a word that had begun to suit how he felt around Magnus. In a strange way, it could be connected to how disconnected they were. When Alec had realised he was the High Warlock of Brooklyn, he had worried they would bump into each other too often, around people who made what they were doing dangerous, but he had been wrong. It was blissful, how little what he did with Magnus mattered. If he was afraid or nervous, he could leave, or stop doing whatever made him uncomfortable. Magnus was weird enough (and Alec meant it as a compliment, somehow) that Alec didn’t have to feel weird around him.

The way to Magnus’ was a decent distance, and Alec walked slow so that it didn’t seem like he had left as soon as he got off the phone. Magnus, as promised, was ready for Alec, answering the door with a drink he pressed into Alec’s hand.

“Alexander. You look ravishing. What are we doing tonight?” For once, the question didn’t sound like it needed to be answered with a kink or a position. This time, they weren’t cutting straight to the sex, and Alec knew that’s what he was used to coming here for, but he wanted this flirting. To edge into the territory of a relationship.

By now, it was becoming inaccurate to say that he seeked out Magnus for sex alone. He came because, yes, sex was good, but what was more important was that safety and that comfort and that bubble of self-worth that Magnus gave him. There was someone who liked him for who he was, with no strings attached.

Izzy and Jace loved him unconditionally, and his parents loved him in their own way, but they were family. He didn’t have friends outside of family, didn’t have people who had to make a conscious effort to keep in contact with him, and did it anyway. He loved and appreciated the people he had, but to be wanted, to have someone who thought he was pretty and cute and enjoyed telling him- it was new. Did he know Magnus? Sort of. He knew bits and pieces about him, had scratched the surface, and he wanted to get to know him. The time spent evading Jace had led to considering his current situation, and (for now) he was set on enjoying the few luxuries he gave himself.

“To do? Oh. Um, I hadn’t thought about it,” he said. That was a half-truth. He hadn’t drawn out plans about what they were going to do on that night in particular, but he had thought plenty about what they might do at some point. Both things like tying Alec up and things like going on dates.

He sipped his cocktail as Magnus answered him with, “You didn’t plan this? That doesn’t seem like you.” It was curious, playful, and Alec wondered how obvious it was that he tried to plan out his whole life.

“It’s not like me. Usually,” he said, licking his lips. “But I wanted to see you. And I would like to take you on a date, maybe?”

Asking Magnus out hadn’t been part of the plan, because there was no plan. Magnus looked taken aback, eyes widening and eyebrows lifting.

“You only ‘maybe’ want to take me on a date?” he asked, after a pause.

“Definitely,” he corrected. “I definitely want to take you on a date.”

Magnus grinned. “In that case, have you eaten? I know a few good restaurants nearby.”

He had eaten a sandwich sometime in the middle of the afternoon, but he had felt too busy to eat consistent meals in the past week. “No, a restaurant sounds good.”

“Fantastic, we can leave now if you’re ready.”

Wordless, he nodded. They were actually doing this. Alec was going on a date with a boy. His first ever date with the man who was the first person he had kissed, and the first person he had slept with, and the first person whose dick he had sucked. As many firsts as he had to offer, all given to one person who didn’t even know the significance of it all. An air of uncertainty was obvious in everything about Alec, but Magnus didn’t know how far his inexperience stretched.

Magnus spoke with his usual level of animation as Alec walked close beside him, saying very little. He filled in the gaps that Alec left, undeterred by his relative muteness, and Alec couldn’t help but grin at his mindless chatter. It was about his clients, the assholes that came asking for his service with no clue about demons and a strong sense of superiority, or the things Chairman Meow had done, or situations he had gotten himself into over the past four-hundred years. So much conversation centred around himself could have made him seem too self-involved, but he pulled it off by telling all his stories in a tone that was as self-deprecating as it was over-confident.

Despite Alec’s minimal contribution to it all, he enjoyed the walk there. He said what he wanted to when he felt like it, and Magnus didn’t push him to talk more. He appreciated that. Not everyone understood, but for Alec, talking was hard and he liked to listen.

It was late enough in the year that it was already dark at eight in the evening, street lamps and light pollution warming the streets to an autumn orange. The chill gave Alec an excuse to stick near to Magnus, and could explain away why he shivered when his hand brushed against Magnus’.

They rounded a corner to walk up to a restaurant with a neon pink sign, the bright light and the font making it difficult to read. The paint was worn, like it hadn’t been repainted in a few years, but not peeling enough for Alec to think that Magnus had taken him to the cheapest place possible to get it over with and have sex.

It wasn’t until they were inside the restaurant, a man who seemed to know Magnus leading them to their seats, that Alec realised they were surrounded by Downworlders. Werewolves and vampires and warlocks stared at him, covered in runes, trying to bury himself into Magnus’ side. Magnus took a firm hold of his hand, muttering into his ear, “Is this okay?”

The eyes stayed on them, all careful or angry or confused. Alec nodded, and the server told everyone to stop staring at his customers, huffing something about how rude people were. It was a minute before everyone stopped looking at Magnus and Alec, now seated across from each other in a private corner, and the noise of knives and forks and chatter started up again.

“I’m sorry, I thought I had mentioned it was a Downworlder restaurant. I hope it didn’t startle you too much,” Magnus apologised, looking rueful.

“It’s alright,” Alec said. Even as the atmosphere around them returned to normal, Alec couldn’t help but feel glares aimed at him, couldn’t help but imagine someone sprinting to the Institute to tell Maryse that her son was gay, and eating a meal with a warlock. They didn’t care, he knew- he was a Shadowhunter and they were Downworlders- but the irrational fear stuck.

“They’re not staring anymore,” Magnus told him. “But if they were, it would be because they were jealous of how beautiful my date is.”

Alec scoffed, but he was reddening. “You’re just flattering me to distract me,” he pointed out.

Magnus tried to look innocent, which wasn’t something he was capable of doing. Alec knew enough about him and that mouth of his. “Is it working?”

The imaginary leers were beginning to fade as Alec relaxed, posture loosening from his tense, slouched position. With an eye roll, he nodded. “Yeah, it’s working.”

They ordered drinks, Alec choosing a stronger poison than usual, because he had heard it helped people to calm down, and that was what he needed when he was on a date with Magnus Bane. There was nothing intimidating about Magnus anymore; he was powerful and beautiful and confident, everything Alec didn’t feel like he could be, but he was gentle. Even without knowing that Alec didn’t have any sexual experience, he gave him opportunities to back out whenever he wanted, made sure he was comfortable with each new thing they were doing. To say the least, he wasn’t afraid of Magnus Bane, but this was the most nervous he had been in a while.

The conversation helped, with Alec starting to talk more because Magnus had asked him about his family, and that was one thing he could talk about for hours. With most people, he would have felt like he was boring them, but Magnus gave him such a fond look, said he was lucky to have Izzy and Jace and Max, and vice versa.

He didn’t speak about Jace much, because he always wanted to mention what it was like now that Clary had arrived, or wanted to say things that would make his feelings obvious. It was all a confusion, now that Magnus was another person to think about. He felt something for Magnus, had felt warm waves swell out and up his spine when Magnus took his hand, and that wasn’t nothing, and it wasn’t just sexual. He didn’t know how he would have felt if Jace had taken his hand; it wouldn’t be like this. He would be confused, but he didn’t know what else he would feel.

So he avoided talking too much about Jace, and they ended up sticking to safer subjects, like fighting and Izzy and Ragnor and flirting.

The food arrived, which Magnus had ordered for him when Alec threw an uncomfortable glance his way, and Alec shovelled it down with too many drinks. It wasn’t because he wasn’t enjoying it, but the residual nerves made him sip at his drink too often, and it was easy to lose track. Magnus stopped him ordering any more alcohol when Alec was too giggly, and asked for the bill.

“C’mon, big boy, should I get you back to the Institute?” Magnus laughed as Alec grinned at Magnus too much.

“I’m not actually that drunk, y’know. Kinda drunk but not like. _Super_ drunk,” he said, his tongue peeking out to lick at his lips. They felt dry. “Could we. I mean, would you be alright with me going back to your place?”

Magnus hesitated. “We wouldn’t do anything, not when you’re like this,” he said, gesturing to Alec, who was leant close to Magnus in a way he would never allow himself to do if he was sober. Not in public, at least.

Alec nodded, letting his eyes slip closed. “Just wanna be with you.” He wasn’t used to being drunk, and if he used it as an excuse to stop filtering himself- well, who would stop him?

He didn’t bother opening his eyes, feeling too tired, but he felt Magnus press a kiss to the corner of his face, and knew he must have gotten onto the tips of his toes to reach. Most of the time, Alec was bending down for him.

“Let’s go then, darling,” Magnus said, guiding him.

When Alec re-opened his eyes, they were in Magnus’ bedroom, and said warlock was searching through a set of drawers. Getting Alec some clothes to sleep in, probably, but Alec was more concentrated on staring at Magnus’ ass.

With a blush, he shifted his focus elsewhere, taking in the fancy trinkets, the lack of any photos, the range of books. Everything in Magnus’ house seemed to be chosen in good taste, and it was all expensive. Izzy would get on well with Magnus, he thought. She would like a friend who was as interested in makeup and fashion as she was, if the way she never stopped complaining about how no one would give her fashion advice was anything to go by. She tried to force Jace and Alec to go out with her sometimes, but gave up when they just said, “That looks nice,” about all of the clothes she tried on.

Jace and Magnus would be a different story. On so many levels and in so many ways, Alec could never imagine them getting on well. As much as Alec loved Jace, he knew Jace was arrogant and egotistical and stubborn as much as he was sweet and selfless and funny, and Magnus would never put up with his shit. Not to mention, Alec hardly survived being in the same room as one of them at a time, never mind both. His feelings for Magnus kept increasing, and Alec could see a future with him, could imagine them dating. They had just been on a date, in fact.

That was never something he would be able to say about Jace. There was Clary, and Jace would think it was weird because they were supposed to treat each other like brothers, and Alec was supposed to be straight. None of that meant he didn’t still feel something for Jace, though. He did. Or maybe he _had_. It was hard to tell, because he didn’t like seeing Jace with Clary, but he also didn’t like the way Clary’s vampire looked at Izzy.

These days, Jace had somehow became the safe option. Having feelings for him would hurt, but Alec had years of experience with it. He was used to being in love with Jace, and he was used to hiding that, and there was no reason to ever act on it, so there was no chance of getting his heart too broken or his career ruined. It was just feelings, no one would be able to run to his parents saying, _‘I caught Alec staring real hard at Jace and he maybe has feelings for him.’_ At some point, Alec would get over him, and it would be fine.

Magnus was the dangerous option. People could catch him kissing Magnus. He was the Downworlder who Alec enjoyed being around a bit too much, whose hand he had held, who made Alec flush and stutter when someone mentioned him.

Alec laughed. “I’m pretty fucked, aren’t I?” he said, and Magnus gave him a bemused look as he handed him a pair of pyjama pants.

“Actually, we haven’t done any fucking tonight,” Magnus said, then waved to the clothes. “These are too big for me, but they should fit you.”

Alec took them from him with a thanks, but shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, I’m a gay Shadowhunter, which is bad enough, because my parents and the Clave are gonna hate me, but then what am I doing with you? What about me and Jace?”

There was a sharp change in Magnus once Alec was done talking. The fond, affectionate touches that Alec hadn’t noticed lingering on his skin were pulled away, and he was standing rod-straight now, a couple of feet from Alec.

Realising his mistake, Alec shook his head. “That’s- that’s not what I meant, I like what we’re doing. I like you. I mean that I could be found out. They would hate me, Magnus. I want this, but I’m so used to wanting Jace, and I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said in a half-slurred mess. He was both more drunk and more sleepy than he had thought he was.

There was still some hurt in Magnus’ expression, and he sighed. “I knew you had feelings for Jace when I saw you with him, and yes, the Clave wouldn’t be happy with it, and if I know Maryse and Robert, they wouldn’t be thrilled to find out about… all of _this_ , but you’re not fucked up.” At the sceptical look from Alec, he continued wryly, “You do realise you’re speaking to a bisexual warlock who is hundreds of years old? If you want to talk about being fucked up, I might just be able to beat you in that competition.”

At that, Alec smiled. “Yeah, okay,” he acquiesced, then yawned, hiding it with his elbow. There was more to be said, but not now.

“I should leave you to get changed. There’s t-shirts in the drawers there if you want to find one,” Magnus said. “The ensuite bathroom is through that door and you can sleep in my bed.”

“Where will you be sleeping?” he asked, flopping onto Magnus’ bed to take off his shoes and socks.

“The guestroom.”

The sleepiness was still a thick cloud in his mind, slowing his thoughts and making him want to be whiny, but the drunkenness had cleared enough for Alec to lose some confidence, especially when combined with what he had told Magnus. “Uh. I wouldn’t mind you sharing a bed with me,” he said, by which he meant, _‘Please share a bed with me.’_

Alec could tell Magnus was conflicted. It made sense; Alec had went from being an occasional fuckbuddy to asking him on a date, and then after it going well, he had ended up drunk and talking about being in love with his best friend. It was true that Alec was no expert at dating, but he had screwed it up. It may not be intentional, but he must be confusing Magnus like hell.

After some internal debate, Magnus flashed a smile. “Okay darling. I’ll be back in a minute.”

He didn’t move to the bathroom to get changed into the pyjamas, just dumped his jeans and shirt on the floor near his shoes, then kicked them into a pile in a corner to make it less messy. Folding them took effort, and bending down. Choosing a t-shirt would take effort. Well, at the Institute, he tended to sleep in only his underwear, with a t-shirt in the winter. He remained bare-chested, running a hand down his chest distractedly.

What he wanted to do was curl into a ball under Magnus’ covers, feel the silk on his skin, breathe deep and fall asleep with someone warm next to him, but it might be rude to fall asleep in Magnus’ bed without the man himself. After all, as much as Alec liked Magnus, he didn’t know him as well as he would like to. Had they even met five times? Alec wasn’t sure.

Whatever. He was drunk and tired. Those expensive sheets and fluffy pillows were calling to him.

He was asleep before Magnus came back into the room, but he awoke to a body firm against his back, smaller than him, with their face in his shoulder. They were snoring softly, reminding Alec of a cat. He grinned; Magnus.

With all of the grace and tact that his years of Shadowhunter training had given him, he swirled around to face Magnus. He almost kicked the sheets to the floor, and his elbow throbbed from hitting it on the headboard somehow, but Magnus slept through it. Alec doubted there was much that could wake him up. The room was overflowing with light through stained glass windows- colourful, vaguely religious patterns splayed across Magnus’ hallowed skin, a smudge of kohl at the corners of his eyes, and all so golden. Golden skin, golden hair, golden light bathing them. For once, he felt like Midas, without all the screwed up side effects. His touch hadn’t tainted this, but made it all golden.

This was beauty. This was what he wanted. This was something.

It felt like there was more than one layer of blankets covering them, like Magnus had started clutching at him again, this time far tighter. His breathing came in short bursts, never giving any sort of relief. He shoved the covers back, grabbing his clothes as he left the room. He needed to breathe. He needed fresh air.

Chairman Meow was glaring at him as he struggled to get his clothes back on, shaking. “Sorry,” he mumbled to the cat, hands floating to his stele and seraph blade before he was lurching to the door. The clean air didn’t help much.

This happened often. He called Izzy, noting the texts she had bombarded him with when he was with Magnus. “Izzy,” he sighed, wheezing a bit.

She made a sound as if she had been about to shout at him and was trying to make the move from, _‘Alec why the fuck didn’t you call me earlier,’_ to, _‘Alec are you okay?’_

“Alec. What’s happening?”

He laughed, hysterical. Then closed his eyes. Izzy was counting through the line, a quiet whisper like she was meaning to mouth the numbers.

_In-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four-five-six-seven, out-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight._

“By the Angel, I’m a mess Izzy,” he told her, breathing regular enough for him to be able to walk and talk now. “I just- I don’t know, I woke up next to Magnus and saw him there and I was thinking. I was thinking that I want to get to know him better and that I like him a lot and about what you and Jace would think of him. And- there’s so much at stake, Izzy, why am I putting my life on the line for him? What if someone told Mom about us? We were on a date last night and someone could have seen us. I would be kicked out, they would take my runes- I. I should stop doing this, right?”

Izzy sounded like she wanted to punch him, but she often sounded like that. “Dios, hermano! I don’t care that you’re not in love with him, you’ve finally found someone you like, and he likes you back, and it may be new but you can’t give that up because of the Clave or whatever. They don’t matter,” she said, accompanied by the fast click of heels against wood. “Look. Me and Jace have your back. Whatever happens. And I know you won’t want me to say it, but Clary and Simon have your back, too. There are people who are willing to stand up for you. If the Clave wants to try fuck with you, they’re gonna have to fight through all of us.”

Helpless, he laughed. “Real poetic, Izzy.” He wanted to tell her that love wouldn’t stop his name being smeared. It wouldn’t stop him from losing his chance of being made Head of the New York Institute. It wouldn’t stop him from having his runes torn away from him. They could do what they wanted, but they wouldn’t be the ones losing everything they had for someone who they had met a few weeks ago.

(Someone who Alec wanted to give a chance, someone who was giving him a chance, someone who shone like Apollo and all the old gods and angels he had read about, someone who gave him an escape.)

Neither of them had spoken in a while, and he was getting closer to the Institute. “Have people noticed I’m not there?” he asked. “I haven’t even checked what time it is.” The sun wasn’t too high, so it must be a while until noon. His body was programmed to wake up early, and Magnus must sleep late.

“Jace asked but I told him you were doing paperwork. You should talk to him more. And it’s just before nine,” she said.

He nodded, skipping over her comment about Jace. “I’ll be back soon. Thanks for covering, Iz.”

“No problem, big brother.”


	2. Chapter 2

Something Alec would say was a skill of his would be his ability to stubbornly ignore any advice that he knew he should be following. With that in mind, it was easy for him to continue dodging Jace, talking to him when he would have to go too far out of his way to not see him, and watching Jace’s frustration build as they communicated less and less. It wasn’t that it didn’t hurt to be apart from him (it did, this was _Jace_ ) but being around him was worse.

It had been a few days of minimal contact with Jace, and Magnus answering none of his calls or texts. Izzy (and by extension, her vampire) were the only people that he had been talking to at all. There were other people at the Institute, the people Alec worked with, and he spoke to them, of course, but it was different when it was in a professional context.

They had finished a short mission, and Izzy had forced Alec to get a cut cleaned out before he put his bow away. It wasn’t deep, and it was from the hitting a wall rather than a demon, but he gave into her. If nothing else, it got him away from Clary and Jace and long stares and assurances that they were both fine.

By the time Izzy and Alec were putting their own weapons away, he had expected they would be gone, but they were still there, stood too close. They were doing that love-sick thing, as always, and Jace had his hands on Clary’s shoulders. Alec wanted to scoff; they looked ready to start making out right there, and- Jace leaned forwards to kiss Clary, and she stretched up to meet him, and the joke Izzy had been making cut off with an almost inaudible gasp.

Kissing. Clary and Jace. Right there.

For so long, it was supposed to be that Jace was Alec’s. Jace had promised they would be best friends forever- parabatai- and Alec had thought that Jace would always be the most important person to him, and Alec would be in love with him until he died, and Jace never seemed to be attracted to anyone, so maybe Alec wouldn’t have to see him with anyone else. And those fantasies were gone.

There was a plethora of things Alec could shout at Jace or Clary, or he could fall into a childish bout of tears, but instead he marched into the room, shoved away his bow, rough enough that he would have to check for scratches the next time he took it out, and left the room.

“Alec!”

The voice belonged to Jace, but he didn’t slow down. He wasn’t upset, he was fucking pissed. Walking with the sole intent of getting away from Jace, Alec had made his way towards his bedroom, which let Jace catch him by the arm and drag Alec into his own bedroom. Jace closed the door behind him, and stood in front of it with his arms crossed.

“Alec,” he said, an angry set to his brow. “What the fuck was that?”

He couldn’t answer that, so he pressed his jaw closed, felt the tendons moving and fought the urge to tell Jace to fuck off. Jace hated when people told him that, and Alec wasn’t that desperate to lash out.

Jace raised an eyebrow, so Alec reached. “You act like she means more to you than I do,” he said, which was somewhat true.

“Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve been trying to talk to you lately and you’re the one who runs away, Alec. Just because I like her doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore.” Alec said nothing, so Jace continued. “This isn’t just about Clary, is it?”

Alec glared at him. “What the fuck else would it be about, Jace?” he muttered, but he didn’t know what this was about. Then, for good measure, he threw in a, “It’s not like I was in love with you or anything,” and straight away, he wanted to find a way to portal back through time, or figure out the runes to make Jace to forget, or do _something_  to take back his dumb, desperate words.

There was no surprise in Jace’s face, and for a hopeful second, Alec thought he might not have said the words at all, but sigh from Jace told him otherwise. “Alec, I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I get it’s hard, or-” There was a frustrated pause in which Jace uncrossed his arms, dropping them to his side, one hand twitching towards Alec. If it was any other moment, Alec would have put a hand on his shoulder and asked if he was okay.

With a shake of his head, Jace picked back up. “Fuck, Alec, you know what? I don’t get it. I don’t get what you’re going through, because I’m not you. I’m dating a girl, I think, and I never fell in love with someone who I couldn’t have, and I never had to deal with all the pressure Mom put on you, but I love you and I want to get it! If you actually spoke to me, I might be able to help you.” Jace looked to the floor, hurt twisting his face. “Anyway, how do you get off being pissed at me for being with Clary? You’re in a relationship, Alec, you can’t date someone and then try to make me feel guilty for having my own relationship. Talk to me when you’re done being childish.”

With that, Jace left his bedroom, leaving Alec standing alone. This room was Jace’s, not Alec’s, arranged neatly but with a personalisation that Alec’s lacked. Shelves full of books that Alec hadn’t read and wouldn’t care about, a wardrobe full of clothes that would be organised by colour, sheets tucked in at the edges with that military precision. All of this was Jace, and Alec stared at it feeling only the fondness he felt for Izzy.

Fondness. No desire to mess up those sheets with Jace on top of him, no thoughts of stealing jumpers that wouldn’t quite fit him. Somehow, at some point, he had stopped feeling for Jace. Clary and Jace were a cute enough couple. Alec could get used to her, to _them_ , and when he imagined kissing, Magnus was the person in front of him, hand on his neck and his waist.

God, was Alec dumb.

 

* * *

 

Alec caught Jace with his shirt off, slung over his shoulder as he sweated from a hard session of training, and there was less of a temptation to soak him in than there had ever been. Alec passed on news about when the Clave would be visiting, and considered leaving without saying anything else, but Jace put a hand on his bicep. No breath caught in his throat, no stiff back from standing too rigid- his eyes had hardly slipped below his collarbones.

It didn’t mean Jace was no longer attractive, because everyone knew Jace was hot. It was a fact. He had muscles, but they weren’t overpowering, he had pretty eyes, the hands of a musician, and a puppy face that everyone found cute. Despite all that, it felt like Alec was less able to say he was attracted to Jace, and after having years to accept he liked Jace, and he didn’t like girls, and then deciding he must be bound by fate to forever crawl after Jace- well, not being attracted to him was new.

“Alec,” he said, firm. “Talk.”

Alec sighed. “Not here.”

With an expression of stubborn determination, Jace marched into an empty conference room and beckoned Alec to follow him.

“Okay. Okay,” Alec grumbled, psyching himself up for this talk. “So. I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. And Magnus is mad at me for running away the other night without leaving a note or anything.”

Jace looked ready to slap Alec. Nothing new there. “Why did you run away from him? He’s good for you,” he said, then muttered, “Even if he’s an asshole to me.”

“I got scared. He was- he was all _there_ , in front of me, looking all- all magical, and I was feeling things for him and I was wanting more than just.” Sex wasn’t something he and Jace had ever spoken about, because Jace was uninterested and Alec was a closeted gay guy. Alec cursed his cheeks for betraying his embarrassment. “Uh, wanting more than just sex from him. So I started having a panic attack and I needed air so I left. So now he won’t talk to me.”

Jace laughed, not mocking, but either exhausted or affectionate. “This is all so cliche, Alec. But we’ve been to his place before, right? You can go to his place.”

Wary, Alec confirmed this. “But I don’t want him to be mad at me in person.” With a need to please as strong as Alec’s, anger was a terrifying thing to face. From someone who meant as much to Alec as Magnus did, it would be worse.

“Alec. You like the guy. Go see him and apologise.”

Okay. Okay. Yes, he could do this. “I’m going. Right now.” Alec nodded. This was something he needed to do, and he could manage it.

He grabbed his jacket and phone (no new messages, no sign Magnus had read his texts or listened to his voicemails) and jogged through the Institute to get to Magnus. They had left off at a bad time, and it made sense that Magnus must be thinking that Alec hated him, but he wanted to work this out. Or at least, to let Magnus know how he felt and see if he was looking for what Alec was.

 

* * *

 

Standing in front of Magnus’ door, Alec felt breathless, and not just from running to and from the subway. Fear of rejection and excitement at the idea of _dating Magnus_ was making him jittery, and his breaths were shallower than they should be. He was stood outside the door for at least three minutes and twenty-seven seconds before he knocked (he started counting a few seconds after he reached the top step).

The door slid open a crack as his fist met the wood, unlocked as always, the mechanism holding it shut a bit broken. A couple of weeks ago, he would have walked in, though timid, and called for Magnus. He knew Magnus would not want that right now.

Sure enough, the man could be seen through the half-open doorway, and his expression was anything but welcoming. There was a tense grimace on his face, which cleared away when he swung the door open the rest of the way, and moved to rest his hip against the frame.

He had channelled that aloof look, like he was bored by this little Shadowhunter who had decided to bother him.

“Magnus,” Alec sighed, relieved the door hadn’t been slammed on his face yet. But there was still time.

“The one and only,” he agreed, then glanced at his wrist as if he had a watch on, impatient. “Whatever you came to say, make it fast. I was busy watching Project Runway re-runs.”

This was going to go well. “Magnus,” he repeated, dumb as ever.

“Yes, still me.”

Magnus was acting pissed off, but Alec could see through him by now. The indifference, the flirtations, they were his way of distancing himself. Alec had work, Magnus had sex.

Finally, he managed to say something useful. “I wanted to talk about the other night.” His mind urged him to look away, to pick at his fingers and slump down, but he made himself keep his eyes firm on Magnus. This needed to sound as genuine as it felt.

As unimpressed as ever, Magnus snorted. “Yes, I had worked that much out.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, sorry. I wanted to say sorry. For everything. Especially the other night. I ruined that because I freaked out. I saw you and you- you looked beautiful, and I realised I wanted to be with you, and that Jace wasn’t the person who I wanted to be with anymore, and- and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t mean to run off, I promise. I just needed air and then I thought I’d ruin everything,” he admitted, then laughed at himself, self-deprecating. He ran because he didn’t want to ruin everything, and ruined everything in doing so.

Magnus had gone from disinterested to cautious, which Alec saw as progress.

“So yeah, I ran. And then I saw Jace kiss Clary and it confirmed that he was just a friend to me which freaked me out, but I’m happy for him. For both of them. And he was the one who convinced me to go talk to you face-to-face.” By now, his thoughts were circling. The main things he had meant to say had now been said, and the reality of this was stopping him from being able to think. The silence from Magnus didn’t help much. “I think. I’m trying to say I like you a lot. And I screwed you around a lot but I want this to be a. A relationship. Not just sex.”

There was a soft look in Magnus’ eyes, and he had shifted his posture so he no longer rested on the doorway, but stood up with low shoulders and arms crossed. “Alexander, I would love that,” he said, and Alec was grinning at those words alone.

“But,” Magnus continued, “I’m not going to let anyone play me around. If you want this-” he gestured between the two of them, hands brushing close enough to Alec’s chest that he felt a phantom buzz of magic under his skin- “I need you to commit. You don’t need to come out until you’re happy to do that, but I need to know I won’t be waking up to an empty bed again, that you’re not using me as a replacement for Jace.”

Alec nodded with hard determination. “Magnus, I promise you, I won’t leave you again. And Jace- I’ve let go of him. He’s got Clary, and I. I have you.”

And here, at last, was Magnus without that shell he had built up to protect himself from Alec’s confusion. “Good,” he said, satisfied. “You have me.”

Magnus leant in, a soft kiss that would lead to nothing more. Alec preferred it to the sex they’d had.

Alec left with an apology and another kiss soon after, because he needed to finish some paperwork, and it felt more meaningful to do this without sex. It felt like proof that he wanted Magnus for more than his body. He was sure he looked dopey as he made his way back to the subway, but he was also sure that he didn’t care at all.

 

* * *

 

They had their second real date a few days later, a takeaway and a movie at Magnus’ place (because Magnus claimed it caused him physical pain each time another obvious pop culture reference went straight over Alec’s head). They were both sober the whole time, and Jace had offered to help to cover for Alec if anyone asked, which was yet another thing to add to an increasing list of things Alec had never expected to happen: Jace, encouraging Alec to go spend time with his amazing, kind, warlock boyfriend.

Part of Alec still expected this to always be some form of lead up to sex, had to resist deepening every kiss. Magnus looked pleased whenever they separated to cuddle instead of making out, more content and secure than Alec had seen him before.

Once again, Alec was hit with how much he appreciated Magnus (his boyfriend, the man he was dating, somehow). Someone who let Alec be himself without aiming judgement at him, who had made sure Alec was comfortable and happy the first time they had sex, even though Alec was a stranger he had met in a bar. Someone who somehow worried that his only worth was sex, when it was clear as day that, no matter how great he was in bed, there were thousands of other things about him that were beautiful and valuable.

In a lapse of judgement, Alec told him, “I’m glad you were my first.” As he realised his words, the weight of the, he tensed, but Magnus had already tilted his head to look up at Alec, sitting up so he wasn’t leaning against Alec’s shoulder.

“Your first?” The curiosity was clear, which Alec couldn’t blame him for, but he wasn’t forceful about it. He was trying to sound casual, and Alec was grateful, even if it was a pointless charade.

Helpless, Alec lifted a shoulder. “Well, yeah. You know?”

“Warlocks can’t read minds, Alexander,” he said, smiling fondly.

Of course, Alec was blushing now, without even saying the words. “You were my first… Well, my first everything, I guess?” he admitted. It was a struggle to get the words out, pushing past his embarrassment and the background worries that Magnus would think it was too much.

“Meaning when we first met,” Magnus said, picking his words with care, “You had never been with a man before?”

Alec shook his head, then nodded, unable to remember which one would confirm his boyfriend’s question. “When we met, that was the first time I had sex.” He wasn’t breathing as he awaited Magnus’ response.

There was a frown on his face, and Alec prepared to take it back, claim it wasn’t a big deal. At the time, it _hadn't_  been such a big deal. Or maybe it had been. He was desperate to spend a night with a man, and if it hadn’t been Magnus, he would have found someone else, even if it ended up being nothing more than a backstreet blowjob.

“That… was your first time?” It seemed rhetorical, like he was mulling this over, reassessing that night and the hesitance from Alec. His brow furrowed more. “You didn’t deserve to have your first time with a stranger. If I had known, I would have made it romantic for you.”

Alec huffed out a laugh. “I didn’t need it to be romantic,” he said. “I just wanted to go and, y’know, hook up with a guy, so I’d be able to get it out my system and focus on my career.” It sounded like a lost cause when he said it out loud. He couldn’t bang away the gay.

Magnus looked horrified at the thought, but shook it away to stare at Alec with firm determination. “I’m pleased you trusted me with this. All of this. Your first time, anything else that you did for the first time with me.”

Chewing at his lip, Alec tried to appear unconcerned by all of this. “You. Uh. I hadn’t even kissed anybody when you met me.” He looked at Magnus’ shoulder as he confessed, at the skin exposed by the asymmetrical collar. There was never a single spot or blemish on his skin, clear and smooth.

Alec could hear Magnus inhale, see his shoulders rise as his lungs expanded, but didn’t raise his eyes to Magnus’ face. It was a hand against his chin, angling his face towards Magnus’, which made him give in to the eye contact.

“I care about you very deeply, Alexander. Thank you.” He said it in a quiet, private voice, like he was divulging a delicate secret to Alec.

Alec grazed his lips against Magnus’. “I care about you. A lot,” he echoed back, because saying, _‘I care about you, too,’_ would make it feel too much like a stand in for, _‘I love you.’_

A lot of his firsts had been given to Magnus Bane, but someone else had already claimed the title of the first person Alec fell in love with. At some point, when he was ready, he hoped he could give Magnus some of his seconds and thirds and more, too.

 

* * *

 

The vampire- Simon, apparently- was excited by almost everything he saw, and wouldn’t stop staring at Izzy. The disappointment had been all too clear on his face when Izzy had told them she had to leave to do an autopsy.

“Cool! That’s really cool,” he had said, still beaming like he held the sun within him. “I’ll see you later?”

She had told him she would see him later, and the, _‘God, she’s so smart,’_ that Simon breathed out had been heard by both Clary and Alec. They shared a look with raised eyebrows, which would never stop being strange. Under duress, Alec might call her his friend, but a strange rivalry remained between them, a remnant from the shaky beginnings of their relationship.

Alec meant to split away from them and go to the library as they hung out or sparred or whatever it was they did together, but a familiar figure made him stop in his tracks.

Magnus.

He was talking to a couple of people, who Alec didn’t bother looking at to identify, and he had his typical suave facade in place to deal with them. Alec wasn’t fooled; he knew he must be bored out of his mind. He complained about having to deal with people whenever he could, claiming he only enjoyed the magic. Too many of his clients were rich and after his services for self-centred reasons, rather than for the people who really needed him.

Clary and Simon were staring at him, he knew, but the surprise of seeing Magnus when he wasn’t expecting it had stolen his attention.

“Alec? Earth to Alec?” Simon said, waving his hand in front of Alec’s face.

He shot a look at the vampire, trying to channel all of his bitchiness, but Magnus must have heard the mention of his name, and Alec watched him snap his head in the direction of the three of them. A smile light up Magnus’ face as soon as he saw his boyfriend, which Alec was sure he was reflecting back at him.

A few more words were exchanged between Magnus and the two other people, and then he was making his way straight up to Alec, saying, “Alexander,” when they were within a couple feet of each other.

Beside him, Simon wrinkled his nose. “Alexander? Do people actually call you that? I didn’t even know your name was short for anything.”

Alec resolved to ignore him. He had a lot of practice with that, and it came easily. Magnus didn’t bother to cast a look at Simon. “Magnus Bane,” he returned, the formality of it only making his smile wider. This was a professional environment, he had to be discreet. “It’s been awhile since we… worked together.” It had been four days, and Magnus had called him as soon as he had woken up earlier in the afternoon. He couldn’t let the people around them know that, though.

“Indeed,” Magnus purred. “Too long. I might need you to help me with something on Thursday evening.”

“I’d be happy to help.” It was hard not to stutter as he was flirted with, but he managed. Magnus grinned at him, and Alec must have a fierce blush working its way across his face and down his neck by now. “Is seven good for you?”

“It’s fantastic for me,” Magnus said, then added on a teasing, “You work so hard. Do you ever rest?”

If Simon and Clary weren’t there, he would smack his arm or bury his head in his chest as he told him to shut up. Instead, he narrowed his eyes. “I have my indulgences.” Magnus’ smirk turned even cattier, and Alec swore the glamour on his eyes dropped for a second.

“I’m sure you do,” he agreed, then sighed. “I’m afraid I must be leaving. I have duties to attend to, but I’ll see you on Thursday, Alexander.”

Alec rocked on his heels to hide his instinctive attempt to lean in for a goodbye kiss. “Sure,” he said, dumbly, and got one more smile and a subtle wink from his boyfriend before he disappeared.

Simon shook his head disbelievingly. “Lovely meeting you,” he grumbled. “Not that you even asked my name.”

Alec let his eyes drift from the spot he had last seen Magnus, fixing on Simon’s offended face.

“So that’s your...?” Clary asked, leaving the ‘boyfriend’ implied since there were people around. Nonetheless, he found himself scanning to see who could have heard, checking for shocked or disgusted expressions.

“What?” His voice was too loud and panicked. A woman he knew was called Helen gave him a look.

“Look, let’s go somewhere private,” Clary said, rolling her eyes like he was overreacting.

She led them to an empty room and dragged Simon in, so Alec stepped after them before she could do the same to him.

“Look,” she began, as soon as the door was closed behind them. “I like Jace a lot, but I also like girls. In the past, I’ve kissed girls, and I’ve enjoyed it. Because I’m bisexual. So you don’t have to worry about hiding you and Magnus from me, because I’m like you and I don’t care. If I wasn’t dating Jace, I’d even offer to be your beard.”

The last part was said with a raised eyebrow, and Alec snorted at how ridiculous that suggestion was. He had searched up about gay terms- in public libraries where the Institute couldn’t record his history- so he knew the meaning of that, even if some of his knowledge was lacking. “You think people would believe we were dating?” He gave her the most unimpressed look he could muster up, and she laughed.

“Yeah, okay, you’re right.” She had her arms folded, but it wasn’t defensive. Finding someone else like him- finding that person was Clary, of all people- was a shock, but it built up his trust for her as soon as he found out. It was the solidarity of two people struggling through the same thing, knowing they won’t turn on each other.

With Clary’s admission over, the attention shifted to Simon.

“Oh! My turn.” Simon was being jumpy, fiddling and shuffling. It was hard to tell if he was nervous about the subject or if it was his natural state of constant movement. “Yeah, so I’m pan.”

Alec squinted. This was not a word he knew the meaning of. Not in this context, at least.

“It means I like all genders. As in like, some people who aren’t a boy or a girl, I like them too. There’s kinda a fine line between bi and pan but I prefer using pan for myself,” Simon clarified.

That was a new concept for Alec, but he nodded his acceptance of it. It made sense.

Something tight and unfamiliar curled through Alec’s stomach, but it wasn’t bad. It was akin to excitement and fear, mixed with a fresh realisation of freedom. “So,” Alec began, a smile curling on his lips. “No one in this room in straight?”

Simon and Clary nodded, both pleased by this observation.

“I’m sure as hell not straight,” Simon agreed. It made something catch in his throat to hear someone say those words with such pride, not whispered like a dirty secret, nor announced like a weighty achievement that made him hold himself above others. He said it like it was just a piece of himself which he liked, the way Izzy might say, _‘Look at this cute dress!’_

He now knew three people who weren’t straight. Who were part of the LGBT+ community, Simon would later explain to him, with Clary bobbing her head along to his words in consensus. It felt a lot less lonely and shameful to be gay.

One day, he thought to himself in the hush of night, he might even feel proud.

 

* * *

 

On Thursday, he received a text from Magnus telling him to dress up for their date. Considering how laidback their last date had been, he didn’t expect to have to wear anything more than jeans and a t-shirt.

They met up at Magnus’ place first, as usual. If Alec didn’t have the exposure of his sexuality to worry about, he would feel guilty about never returning any hospitality to Magnus. He couldn’t exactly bring him to dinner to meet the parents. Alec was happy with what they had, though.

Alec’s suspicion about the night (unusual behaviour always made him jumpy, whether or not it was positive) dissipated as they arrived at a mundane restaurant somewhere in Manhattan. The decor alone was enough to mark the place as somewhere expensive, the type of place that Alec could never afford and felt a touch out of place in. A hand at the small of his back kept him relaxed before they sat down, and their personal waiter immediately introduced themself to the two of them.

If he didn’t know how well-paid warlocks like Magnus were, Alec wouldn’t have allowed Magnus to get him any more than a starter, but he gave in to the soft lighting, rich wine, and Magnus’ attempt to woo him. He rolled his eyes despite the blush as Magnus held his hand across the table until the waiter came; he was acting like they weren’t already dating, but it was endearing.

After a dinner like that, Alec expected it was leading up to something, but he still managed to be surprised when Magnus insisted they go back to his place to hang out, and his bedroom was full of candles which he lit with a click of his fingers. A few vases of roses were dotted around, wherever there was a surface free of candles or his hundreds of years worth of trinkets.

Alec couldn’t stop himself laughing as Magnus kissed his neck.

“If you’re not in the mood, we don’t have to do it now, but I want to give you a proper first time,” Magnus told him, continuing to give sweet touches across Alec’s skin, Magnus’ hands on his hips and mouth at his jaw. Wordless, Alec nodded. Of course he wanted this, of course.

They stayed lazy, mouthing at each other and roaming their hands around each other’s bodies, until Magnus laid Alec down on his bed, undressing Alec so he was down to his underwear.

Protesting, Alec pulled at the lapel of Magnus’ jacket in a meek attempt to slip it off his shoulder. “What, I’m almost naked and you’re still in a full suit? That’s not fair,” he huffed, giving his boyfriend a grumpy look.

“Alright then, darling, but this is all about you,” Magnus relented, shucking off his clothes and folding them onto a chair. He had looked good in them, all shiny burgundy with silk lining, a black shirt and tie to make him look somehow both dramatic and subtle, but Alec liked him like this. Supple muscles on show, a flat expanse of stomach where he no longer bothered to hide his lack of belly button, chest smooth where Alec’s was dusted with hair. Seeing him like that felt like something meaningful. Magnus trusted him to show his warlock marks, and to be romantic with him, tender instead of sexual. It was something new.

Magnus kissed down his body and whispered compliments to Alec the whole time, listing the reasons he thought Alec was beautiful and brave and caring. There was nothing selfish about the way Magnus treated him; this was all for Alec, his words and his touches and the candles he had decorated the room with. He knew he should feel uncomfortable, should be squirming under the weight of Magnus’ eyes, but there was no embarrassment or instinctive denial of the compliments. There was nothing but comfort and pleasure and blessedness, overwhelmed that, despite everything, he had Magnus. They had each other.

 

* * *

 

For the first time in the months since they had first had sex, Alec didn’t leave in the morning. When he saw Magnus, hair flat and lips parted in sleep, Alec’s chest closed up again, but it wasn’t a panic attack. It wasn’t anything unpleasant at all. He couldn’t put words to the feeling, but he liked it. The sight of Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, naked as he shared a bed with Alec- it brought on waves of affection that didn’t settle down until he closed his eyes and cuddled back into his boyfriend.

Fuck, he could never have guessed this. If he had seen this image even a year ago, an image of him and a Downworlder together in such an innocent yet undeniably romantic way, he would never accept that it could become a reality. A year ago, he never would have allowed himself to do something so risky to his career. Apart from Izzy and Jace and Max, nothing came above his career.

Alec still wanted to succeed, and he didn’t know if he would be able to dig out that seed of self-doubt which his mother had planted, one which made him need to push himself further and further to get approval, but he had changed. Until he woke up next to Magnus, the thought of running away not even crossing his mind as an option, he didn’t realise there was anything different about him, but it must be obvious to everyone else.

He trusted people- not just Magnus, but, yes, okay, Clary and _maybe_  even Simon, too. Even months ago, he kept to his circle and pushed away anyone else who tried to get close. He cared less about what his parents thought of him, and, gradually, work became lower on his list of priorities. Sleep, for instance, was one thing which he had begun to think might be more important than filling out page after page of reports about who did what and for exactly how long.

Right now, he was happier than he had ever been. His anxiety was calming down now that he didn’t put himself under so much pressure, and talking about emotions felt a bit less impossible.

He kissed Magnus’ shoulder, trying to push all of his gratitude and devotion into it, even though Magnus was deep asleep. Alec’s mouth tasted sour and his throat was dry, but he stayed in bed for as long as he could before sliding himself out of Magnus’ hold. As much as he would love to fall asleep again until his boyfriend woke up, his body never allowed him to sleep much past eight, and he didn’t want to end up groggy and overslept.

He was drinking a cup of coffee in his boxers, leaning against one of the smooth kitchen counters, when Magnus came into the room. There was a semi-sheer silk robe wrapped around him, and it was clear that he was only awake by the vaguest of definitions, but there was a miserable look on his face.

“Morning, Magnus,” he said, giving a soft smile.

Magnus looked like he was melting, looking up with a sleepy grin. “Alexander, I-” He broke off his sentence, but Alec could finish off the rest of the sentence. _‘I thought you had left.’_

Instead, he said, “I hope there’s some coffee left for me,” and tried to hide his subsequent yawn in his shoulder. He was fooling no one, but Alec laughed and got another mug out.

“How do you take it?” he asked, finding himself caught out when he realised he had never made Magnus a drink. Even with this familiarity between them, there were small things they didn’t know about each other. Things that Alec wanted to dedicate his life to learning.

“Black, one sugar.”

Alec catalogued that information away, pouring him a cup and stirring in the sugar. He kissed Magnus on the cheek, not sure if he had brushed his teeth, and smiled at the scratch of stubble. They spent the morning together in Magnus’ kitchen, almost naked and leaning across the counter to get closer to each other or share more pecks. It was the most domestic Alec had ever felt, and he couldn’t bring himself to feel afraid.

 

* * *

 

Maryse was visiting again, in anticipation of a gathering with some of the Clave and a few important Shadowhunters. It was the first time Alec had seen her since the thing between him and Magnus had stopped just being a ‘thing’ and became a relationship. The family dinner was the worst he had been through in a while, the air laden with things that weren’t supposed to be mentioned. Izzy and Jace exchanged glances with him throughout the whole thing, showing their anger at their parents and their support for Alec. He doubted there would ever come a day when Maryse could speak to them for more than twenty minutes without subtly insulting Downworlders, queers, or someone working at the Institute.

He left the table tight-jawed and restless, and found himself dialling Magnus. It was instinctive now, to seek out comfort in Magnus, most of all when he had to deal with his mother. Her intolerance towards him created a need in him to prove her wrong, to rebel against her, to be able to show himself (if not her) that Magnus was a fantastic man who deserved the world.

As soon as Magnus confirmed that he would finish up with his client soon and Alec could come over whenever he wanted, he was out the door and making his way to the subway. The frustrated energy had cooled down to a simmer by the time he cosied into Magnus’ sofa to wait for him, but his brow was still moulded into a furrow as Magnus hurried a miffed-looking woman out the door.

“Are you okay, darling?” Magnus asked, lowering himself to sit next to Alec and wrap his arms around him. “Is it Maryse?”

He snorted. “Of course it’s her.” He fiddled with his hands as he tried to think up the words. “She just- the whole time I’ve known her, forever, she’s just putting down Downworlders, and she’s putting down queer people, and she’s shit talked you plenty of times, and I. I hate it Magnus, it pisses me off so much and I can’t make myself tell her.”

Nodding his understanding, Magnus gave Alec’s forehead a tender kiss, but Alec leaned away from it. The movement wasn’t meant to be an obvious rebuttal, but the anger at Maryse was souring Magnus’ sweetness. He tried to channel out his irritation with an exhalation, and slid closer to Magnus again as his boyfriend began to speak.

“It’s hard to fight against parents, especially when they’re your boss too, I’m sure,” Magnus told him, and left a gap so Alec could respond if he wanted to.

“But she insults you for being bi and for being a warlock. Fuck, it makes no sense, you’ve helped her plenty of times!” His words sounded childish to his own ears.

Magnus didn’t tell him as much. “Maryse has _paid_  me to help her plenty of times, and neither of us has enjoyed that particular experience,” he said. “But, Alec, there will always be people insulting me for who I am, but I’ve lived long enough to stop caring.”

Alec glared at a painting on the wall, as if it were one of the people responsible for hurting Magnus like this. “You shouldn’t have to learn not to care. Those assholes should learn not to care. Why should it matter who you’ve dated or what race you are? You’re a fucking good warlock and a great person.”

Magnus was nuzzling into his jaw, soft and affectionate, and Alec had to resist the urge to push him away. Magnus was not the one he was mad at.

“I know, Alexander, I know, but I can’t change what they think. I can only change what _I_  think, so that’s what I did. I know you’re angry, but I respect myself. I know who I am, my friends know who I am, and you know who I am. Those are the people who matter.” Tender but insistent, he made Alec look him in the eyes, and repeated, “You are the person who matters, Alexander.”

He wasn’t used to people using his name in speech so often, nor having them use it with the determined reverence. Magnus held his hand and kissed him, noticing the way his anger crumbled.

He deserved a better mother. He hadn’t thought those words before.

“I deserve a better mother.”

Magnus said nothing, but that was what he had wanted. They could hide this from his mother, but Alec didn’t want to. Not anymore.

The minute the idea came into his head, Alec laughed, helpless. Boy, was he about to do something dumb.

 

* * *

 

Izzy helped him put on his bowtie as he stared at himself in the mirror. His face was blank, eyes blurring as he zoned out, until he could only make out the black of the bowtie against his cream suit, but with no distinguished shapes. He didn’t register her stepping back, finished with her little adjustments, or the twisting of her mouth as she watched the quick rise and fall of his chest. He didn’t blink his mind clear until she flicked his neck with a sigh and rested her head on his shoulders. Even in heels, she struggled to reach.

“I’m proud of you, you know that?” she asked, resting her hands at his elbow.

With a roll of his eyes, he gave a nod- of course he knew. It didn’t hurt to be reminded, though. He reached to give one of her hands a grateful squeeze. “I know. Love you, Iz.”

She smiled back at him, with that bone-crushing fondness wrapping up his core. “I know.”

As impossible as it was, he felt ready.

 

* * *

 

It was a Sunday, which was when Alec and Magnus tried to go on dates. It was questionable whether they managed, since some of Magnus’ clients liked to be as inconvenient and stubborn as possible, and there were times when Alec ended up needing to do last minute missions or paperwork, but in theory, it was date night.

It was a Sunday, and his mother was hosting a fancy dinner party at the New York Institute to impress the Clave, and his mother had given him a plus-one on his invitation so he could bring a date. Lydia, she had suggested, but Alec had shaken his head and told her that Lydia had someone else. Alec and Lydia hadn’t spoken too much, but she was determined and witty and exactly the sort of woman Alec would fall in love with if he wasn’t gay. Instead, they worked together with a comfortable synchronisation and mutual understanding of each other. He made a mental note to himself that he should invite her on a not-date sometime.

But, no, Lydia was not who he was bringing, and by the Angel, his mother was going to hate him, but he couldn’t be bothered to deal with the Clave, and there were more important things.

(He could lose his job. He could be kicked out. All of this could happen and he would still feel lighter and he would still have Jace and Izzy and Clary and Simon, would still have Magnus.)

His mother asked if he brought a date, and Izzy shuffled closer and stood taller. Smiling, Alec nodded. “Yeah, getting here soon,” he reassured, speaking in the most abbreviated way possible to avoid using pronouns. He didn’t want to pretend his date was a girl, but even saying “they” would bring up red flags for his mother. She would just become furious at the idea that he might have multiple dates.

“Speak properly, Alec, the Clave are here,” she sighed, but gave him an approving look. “Well done, though. I hope she’s dressed well.”

That was more praise than he often got. His smile got manically wider as she dealt out this oblivious compliment, and he almost burst out into laughter. He was sick with fear and excitement, the need for him to get the truth out in the open warring with his need to please people, his fear of rejection. He tried to send Izzy a look to say, _‘I’m thinking of backing out but I don’t want to.’_

She grabbed his hand, long nails giving blunt points of pressure on his skin, just shy of painful. Grounding. There was a focal point, something real and present. “Magnus is going to look good in a suit,” she told him, with the same type of seriousness someone might use to profess their love for the first time.

He threw his head back and laughed, drawing the eyes of a few people standing nearby. It was nowhere near as many eyes as they would have on them in a minute.

The doors to the hall were already open, but Magnus walked through them as if they swung out in front of him to announce his arrival. From the amount of attention he drew, someone might think they did. He was looking confident with his fresh pink tips and dark suit, but Alec could see the hesitation as soon as their eyes met. There was a question, and Alec knew that one shake of his head would send him away with a one-liner as he parted.

Behind Alec, he knew his friends were ready to do anything he needed them to- fuck, if he asked, any one of them would probably pretend they were the reason he was here.

Alec took a step forward as murmurs of gossip started up in the room. He hadn’t realised it was silent. A few feet away, Maryse was hissing, “What is _he_  doing here?” to Alec’s father. His steps were getting faster, and then he was stood toe-to-toe with Magnus, grinning at him. Magnus was a touch too short to be eye-level, and Alec adored it.

“Glad you made it,” he said, as if they didn’t have an audience of a couple hundred people, all but four of which were various levels of confused and disgusted.

“Of course, wouldn’t miss it, darling,” he said, and Alec laughed. Even the smallest of things could make him laugh when it was Magnus saying them. “Do they have drinks here?”

Alec pointed to one of the several waiters floating around with trays full of wine glasses, and as soon as he was gone, there was the harsh click of heels on marble to replace him, followed by Maryse.

“What the _hell_  is this? What did I do to make you do this?” she spat at him, and, as he shook, Alec pretended that he could be like Magnus, uncaring about the opinions of anyone who wasn’t his friend. Alec was no Magnus Bane, but, lucky for him, he had one standing right at his elbow, giving a cordial smile to his mother.

It was natural to shuffle closer to his boyfriend, much to the enragement of Maryse.

“Stop this right now, Alexander!”

There was nothing Alec could do to bring more attention to himself, and that was Magnus’ name for him, not hers, and he didn’t want Magnus to hear her bullshit, and they hadn’t laid down any rules for this, so he didn’t know what was okay to do. He turned to Magnus and grabbed his lapels, giving him a second to back out before rushing in.

It was a messy, greedy kiss, pulling Magnus closer and closer, refusing to let go of his suit. Magnus had a drink in each hand, so all he could do in return was rest a loosely closed fist against each of Alec’s shoulders. Once again, they had silenced the room, making the obscene, wet sounds of their mouths the only melody. It was almost hilarious. He was entirely sure that, one day, he would cry with laughter at how terrible this had been, with Izzy shaking her head in amazement at how dumb her brother could be, and Simon interjecting with something loud and annoying, likely a reference that Alec wouldn’t understand or care about.

One day.

They broke the kiss after an undecided amount of time (too long, maybe) and their shaky breaths became the only performance they gave. Maryse’s fists are clenched white, and in that moment, Alec knew that if it weren’t for the Clave, she would slap him right then and there- hard.

“What is this,” she repeated, voice an angry monotone. She spoke as if she were a teacher giving a small child a final chance to own up to their misbehaviour. It was familiar and exhausting.

“This,” Alec said, loud enough for the whole room to hear his voice reverberate back to them, “is my boyfriend, Magnus Bane. He’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn. I believe you’ve met.”

Maryse did not humour him with an answer.

Magnus spoke up before her, nudging into Alec’s shoulder. “I think we’ll be leaving now,” he said, downing one of the glasses of wine.

Alec took the other out of his hand to mimic the motion. He wasn’t a fan of white wine, and he wanted to spit it back into the glass, but he didn’t let his face show it. They returned the empty glasses to the tray and made their exit, like they were in some dramatic movie.

 

* * *

 

He was having a panic attack. Magnus was holding Alec to his chest, whispering something repetitive, and Alec couldn’t hear a word of it, his gasping, cracking breaths drowning it out. There were tears slipping down his face and he hated himself for them, ended up crying harder because of it. The door opened and Alec imagined Maryse and clung to Magnus, shaking his head. He never cried in front of Maryse, not since he was a kid, and he had never cried like this.

He flinched at the hand on his back before he realised this was not Maryse; she wouldn’t touch him with such trepidation, fearful of hurting him, or such care. If it was Maryse, he wouldn’t feel long nails, wouldn’t hear the lull of his sister’s voice. She sat beside him and Alec turned to bury himself in her, stayed cuddled into her side as she counted out the beats of her own heart for him. It took him a while to realise what she was saying, a while longer to keep his breathing in time with her words, a while longer than that to dig himself out of his mind enough to sit up and wipe his eyes.

Beside him, Magnus was still sitting down, giving him a smile and brushing a thumb over Alec’s hand. At some point during the attack, Jace had came into the room- maybe when Izzy had came in- and he held out a glass of water and some painkillers. He always got a horrible headache after crying, and panic attacks made his mouth dry. He tossed back the pills and sipped at his drink.

“What the fuck did I just do.” He sighed and closed his eyes.

Magnus’ face twisted into a frown, but Izzy answered him. “A good thing. The right thing,” she said, firm. “They were gonna find out at some point, hermano. At least it was on your terms, it’s less of a scandal like this.”

That was true. If he hadn’t done this, in a year, five, a decade, they would find out, and it would be all over.

But, the Clave. Everyone. Everyone knew, and in a way, it was what he wanted, but he felt like he was in some type of Purgatory right now. He was out, but he hadn’t gotten the reaction. He had seen the anger from Maryse, heard the fluctuation between silence and scandalised murmuring as the room tracked the movements of Alec and Magnus. He wondered if his mother was taking time to consult with the Clave about how to kick him out, when to remove his runes.

“I need to sleep,” he whispered.

Jace nodded and stood up, stretching. “Yeah, I’ll go let you catch some rest,” he agreed, patting Alec’s shoulder and giving him the _‘I’m proud of you’_ look.

Izzy and Jace left, casting glances to where Magnus stayed sat beside Alec. Magnus looked conflicted, but gave him a soft kiss (in front of Jace and Izzy, and it was fine and it was good and it was freeing even if his mind still told him he had to hide this) and Magnus stood up.

“I’ll let you have some time alone. Talk to me tomorrow,” Magnus said as Alec’s siblings left the room, and he might have sounded a bit scared. Alec couldn’t tell. There was a headache that stopped him thinking too much, and comforting was outside of his capabilities after that break down. He doubted he could do anything other than sleep, so he nodded and stripped down to his boxers as soon as Magnus was gone. He wanted to forget about what he had done for a little while.

 

* * *

 

It was his father who confronted him first. Jace had suggested they escape the Institute for as long as they could, so a communal breakfast at Denny’s had been planned with Jace, Izzy, Magnus, Clary, and Simon. Izzy and Jace had tried shielding him from everyone, like his personal bodyguards, but of course, that only attracted his father’s attention.

The look on his face was- difficult to place. Not anger. Alec gave a nod and told Izzy and Jace to go ahead. He would meet them there soon, he hoped. There was no way this conversation could be comfortable; there was only more or less awkward.

“Dad,” he said in a complete monotone.

There was an empty room nearby, which his father beckoned him towards. It took a few breaths before Robert turned around to face his son, and Alec couldn’t help but feel bile-bitter resentment for that. Could he not stand to look at Alec now he had stepped out of the shadows? Did the light highlight Alec’s flaws too well?

“Your mother is furious,” his father said, and Alec glared at the floor, shifted and grabbed at his clothes with his hands. He tried not to flick his eyes away when he stared down his father. In the best of times, he struggled to make eye contact.

Robert sighed, placing a hand on Alec’s shoulder which he managed not to flinch away from. “She loves you. We both do Alec, I promise, and I don’t- I don’t understand why you chose to do all of this, or why you did it where you did, but you’re our son.” Apart from a short frown, there was nothing but earnestness.

“She doesn’t hate me for this?” Maybe she didn’t, but Alec hated himself for needing to ask. She didn’t deserve him worrying about her opinion.

“No, Alec. She’s not happy that you picked… him, but she’ll get over it.”

At the refusal to say Magnus’ name, Alec glowered, but figured this was as lightly as he could have gotten off from all of this. There would be time to remind them that Magnus was an amazing human being, one who made Alec safe and happy, one who forgave him for his mistakes, when the news wasn’t so fresh.

It was clear his father was struggling with this, though nowhere near as much as his mother would be, and the last thing he would want right now would be to hear about them together. Right now, Alec would give them as much slack as he could handle giving them, because he hadn’t been kicked out. He hadn’t been disowned. He would lose respect and trust, but those things could be rebuilt over time.

Alec said nothing because he had too much to say.

Of all things, that was something his father was most familiar with. “Go, Alec. Jace and Izzy must be wanting to see you.”

He left without saying anything else, and met with his friends.

They spoke as if last night hadn’t happened: Simon cooed over how close Alec and Magnus sat, Jace joked about how much better the food was than Izzy’s cooking, Clary and Jace made eyes at each other. Alec didn’t know if this was what he wanted. After last night (it felt like more and less than just a few hours had passed) he both craved this normalcy and longed for confirmation that this was real, that he had really said and done those things.

Magnus held his hands under the table and smiled at him. It was questioning, asking if he was alright and why he hadn’t spoken and if he needed to leave. Alec kissed him instead of answering, which had Simon gasping and grinning. As always, Alec ignored him, and whispered to Magnus, “I’m fine.” He didn’t know how true that was. He wasn’t  _not_  fine, but was pretty convinced he wasn’t fine either.

They ate breakfast without anyone asking about Alec’s emotional state again. He forgot about last night for a while.

 

* * *

 

It was safe to say that the next two days were a mess for Alec. As much as he tried to avoid Maryse, it wasn’t a sustainable plan, and she cornered him on the day after the dinner, late in the evening. She spoke with a civil tone, using the type of words she used when negotiating with a Downworlder who was being difficult. Polite on the surface, but condescending with a touch of distaste. She spoke like all of this was a tantrum he was throwing to spite her, and she was the reasonable one who had to deal with him.

Alec left the conversation as soon as he could, but he couldn’t escape the eyes and the whispered words that followed him everywhere. There was only a certain amount of time he could spend out of the Institute, and he didn’t want to leave too much in the aftermath. He didn’t want to be seen as running or giving in.

Whilst they were apart, he made sure to still text Magnus, but he wanted to work as hard as he could in the wake of this, to prove himself. He could be gay and still be a hard worker, a leader, the future head of the Institute. It didn’t spoil him.

On the third day after the kiss, Magnus invited him over, and Alec accepted the offer with some hesitance. He could spare a little time, but he would have to be careful about making a habit of going over too long. Fuck, wasn’t this supposed to make visiting Magnus easier? Apparently not.

Magnus smiled softly at Alec when he arrived, and he couldn’t help but regret staying away from him.

“Hey,” Alec said, with the private little grin he got around Magnus, as pointed out to him by Simon.

“Alexander.” He looked concerned again. “I wanted to talk to you.”

Alec rolled his eyes, even though he appreciated Magnus worrying about him. It was the type of reassurance he didn’t want to need, but undeniably craved. “I’m fine,” he said. It was an automatic response, but it felt truer than the last time he had said it. For the most part.

Magnus had an expression like he was seeing straight past his words, finding the things he hid. “Do you regret it?”

Alec hesitated. He wanted to be able to say, no, he didn’t regret it at all. He would do this a thousand times again. He wanted to be sure of those words, the way Izzy was always so sure.

Did he regret it?

He didn’t like knowing that everyone was reassessing their opinions of him. He didn’t like that he had sprinted to his room and broke down after the kiss. He didn’t like that his mother had started to stare at him; calculating, disappointed. He didn’t like that he had to work so much harder to gain less respect that he had before.

No.

Maybe that kiss brought an uncertainty with it, and took away some of the things Alec had grown used to, but fuck, the people who reacted badly were not the people he should care about. Did that stop him from caring about what they thought of him? No, it did not, but he would learn to ignore those people, and maybe in a generation of two, there would be Shadowhunters who might not have been born yet, but who would talk freely of who they were attracted to. Maybe his actions could make it easier for others, and as much as he would hate to go through that again- that panic attack, that first conversation with his parents, that prickling sting of attention on him- he would do it again. This wasn’t a mistake.

“No,” Alec decided, finding a confidence in those words, a truth. It was an idle afterthought to add, “I don’t care who knows that I’m in love with you,” and, okay, maybe Magnus wouldn’t notice.

“You- what?”

So, yeah. Maybe Magnus had noticed, then.

“What?”

Smooth, Alec. Smooth.

“Alec,” Magnus pressed, not with any cruelty or an excess of force.

He inhaled. Waited. Repeated, “I’m in love with you?” and didn’t like that he sounded so questioning and meek, because whether or not Magnus felt as strongly for him, fucking Hell, Alec was done being ashamed. It took him a decent amount of effort to raise his eyes to Magnus’, and say, loud and firm, “I’m in love with you.”

He hoped like Hell this wouldn’t ruin them.

Magnus pushed him against a wall and kissed him, grabbing handfuls of the front of his shirt. He was breathless when their mouths parted, and he rested his head in the crook of Alec’s neck.

“I’m in love with you,” Magnus said.

Alec pushed away the undeserving parts of himself and, for once, allowed good things to happen to him. He was in love with Magnus Bane and Magnus Bane was in love with him too, and that was good and real and true.

There were bad things, like his parents who may never be comfortable with him or Magnus, but one day they might realise that Izzy and Jace weren’t straight either, and one day Alec might be able to shake off that need for approval, and one day people might stop caring about who Alec loved, and maybe none of those things would happen, but Alec would still be content. At some point, he had stopped being quite so depressed, so afraid, and had started being a bit more like the person he wanted to be. At some point, he had tried to have a one night stand, and instead this had happened.

No, he didn’t regret it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow!!!! this wasn't such a big journey for you guys but it feels like ive been writing this my entire life. first fic for this fandom n its the longest thing ive ever written, both in length n time taken to complete probs. i am p fuckin happy w the result n i truly appreciate all the comments/kudos yall have been sending my way, it makes my day!! i hope this was enjoyable, the plan when i start writing was 'they have drunk sex then fall in love' n so im surprised af i got 30k outta that.
> 
> im talkin too much tho, as per usual, so ill stop. thank u all sm for reading this!!!!


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